How to Keep From Caving to Craving

Tips for New Year's Goals

Be an objective observer of yourself. Habits you want to change are only patterns of behavior. They're neither good nor bad. So let go of judging.

Instead of trying to STOP doing something you don't want to do (think of all that wasted energy), look at the pattern of behaving with an objective eye: How does it work? How often does it show up? What triggers it? What does it look like? How long does it last?

Notice your desire to cave in to the craving, or to run from it ("I can't STAND feeling like this"). Yes, you can stand it. It won't kill you. Be with what shows up and as you stay with it, find a way to "do" it differently.

Let's say you've decided to quit smoking. The next time that desire is triggered, notice where in your body you experience the "wanting" and exaggerate the physical sensation ("It's like I'm about to fly apart"). Continue exaggerating until you know the label you've given the sensation is an exact fit. ("No, it's like my guts are being torn apart by rabid dogs!"). No matter how much you dislike feeling this way, notice that it's not killing you. Have courage. Stay with it. As you do, the sensation will loosen its hold on you.

Another way to stay with the desire, without acting on it, is to find a humorous way to play with it. Perhaps you have a toy horn — the kind you blow on at a New Year's party — and when you desire to smoke you walk around the block twice, blowing the horn every three steps. If you can't imagine doing that, let your own imagination come up with an idea that makes you laugh. Go with it!

Remember that it's quite natural to resist change. Unfortunately, we tend to beat ourselves up when we don't follow through. Instead, if you find yourself continuing the old habit, in this case smoking, notice what you're feeling and how you're judging yourself. Recognize these as signs that you've challenged a deeply embedded pattern, which means you're on the right path.

Invite the pattern again, and remember: if something you've tried hasn't worked, do something different!

More like this in my Self-Coaching Workbook. See also, "Urge Surfing" and Cassius Cheong's Positively Quit! Manual.

Flowing In and Out of Anger

Recently I became increasingly angry with persistent e-mail ads from a retailer where I'd bought a small item, in spite of unsubscribing countless times and even contacting their customer service (they also sent me an unsubscribe link, which I followed — to no avail).

I was carrying this resentment as if it nurtured a flame, forgetting the quote from a friend that "resentment is like taking poison and expecting someone else to die."

This is the way our patterned responses work. Not useful? Even detrimental? "Who cares?" our unconscious shouts, "It's familiar and I've got the groove!"

The most comprehensive recent suggestions I've found are from Think Simple Now. These "Fifteen Ways to Overcome Anger" are consistent with my approach to change, framed as ways to interrupt a pattern: 

When negative feelings arise, we have two choices, (1) to follow the habitual pattern we've learned since we were young, to react and allow the negativity to consume us, or (2) to interrupt the pattern we have been conditioned to follow, and in doing so build new neural pathways that allow for alternative possibilities.

More at Out of the Box Coaching...

It's out there - can you hear it?

From Stephen Josephs, in our conversation about transcendence:

We are all musicians. Each of us is our own instrument, and after you master the instrument you'll always be able to play it, but it won't matter anymore because you'll hear music everywhere.