Moving From Problems to Solutions

Sometimes advice is appropriate, but when you're in a coaching  or mentoring role, people accept more responsibility and learn more if you help them solve their own problems. These four communication skills will help move a conversation from problems to solutions:

Active Listening

— Paraphrase: Play back your understanding of what they said. If your restatement is not quite on target, they will usually clarify.

— Reflect: Confirm what they seem to be feeling. This helps diffuse tension, acknowledges their right to express feelings, and lets them know you support them, even if you disagree.

Open Probing

— Open probes encourage the other to amplify: "Go on." "Tell me more about..." "Give me an example of... " "What did you do/say?" "How did the situation arise?" "You mentioned previously that... " "Remind me again of..."

— Notice also how the way you probe can begin to lead toward solutions: "How do you think it could have been handled better?" "What might happen if...?" "How do you see ___ being able to improve?"

— NOTE: "Don't you think that...?" is advice in disguise, not a probe.

Reframing

Instead of focusing on what you don't like, reframe their negative statements into a positive. This is not about being "nice." The purpose is to keep your eye on solutions and model how to open up their thinking by turning obstacles into opportunities. If someone complains about inconsistencies in top management's priorities, you might say, "You'd like to see things handled differently here."

Both/and Thinking

Most people who are stuck in problems are also using either/or thinking ("It's doomed to failure because it will take too long to do it right and we'll go into overrun"). Move into both/and thinking with a question that integrates the apparent opposites:

1. Mentally determine the two apparent opposites (in this case quality and time).
2. Ask a question that presumes both are possible ("How might you do both ___ and ___?"). For example, "How might you assure that it's done well in a short enough time?" or "Let's think together about how we might provide acceptable quality in the time remaining."

What is the Problem?

(Adapted from Ezra Bayda's Being Zen):

An ambitious student comes to see his teacher, who asks, “What is the basic human problem?”

The student ponders this, then answers, “We are not awake.”

“Yes, but those are only words," says the teacher. "You are only thinking.” And he sends the student away.

Perturbed, the student continues to ponder. A week later he returns. The teacher asks, “Have you figured out the basic human problem?”

The student replies, “Yes. The basic human problem is that we think too much. We are identified with our thinking. We believe our thoughts.”

The teacher answers, “Again, you are thinking. You must see the basic human problem in yourself.” The student leaves feeling dejected.

The student pulls out all his books and studies. When he returns to see the teacher, he is almost stuttering, so sure he knows the answer. Seeing the state he is in, the teacher asks, “What is the basic human problem?”

The student happily says, “There is no problem!”

The teacher stares at him: “Then what are you doing here?”

The student deflates. His shoulders drop; his head drops; he feels totally humiliated.

The teacher asks, “What are you experiencing right now?

“I feel like crawling into a hole.”

“When you can fully experience this feeling," reminds the teacher, "then you will understand the basic human problem.”