Ethical Persuasion isn't just a negotiation strategy, but also a method of healing self-doubt and alienation within oneself. If you learn to respect and appreciate another's feelings, you will learn to treat your own feelings more wisely in the process. Tom Rusk, Ethical Persuasion
I especially like Rusk's approach because, as he suggests, self-doubt and survival fears drive our typical response to conflict: self-defense and/or attack. Most of us didn't learn how to engage productively with conflict while growing up.
In reality, an approach to conflict based on mutual understanding and a desire for cooperation brings us closer to others. This requires that we risk vulnerability, and a way to support that risk is to agree ahead of time that each will be fully heard and understood before proceeding to possible solutions.
For example, one of my clients had an argument with his wife. Their dynamic as a couple had been that he made all the key decisions. During his recuperation from cancer surgery, he was surprised how emotionally vulnerable he felt and was distressed by his murky thinking as an aftereffect of anesthesia.
To his frustration, he couldn't balance the monthly checkbook, and told his wife she'd have to do it.
Her fear at the possibility of losing him and having to manage on her own translated to defensiveness, and she made a sarcastic remark.
This escalated until they both stomped out of the room.
After they tried again, using Ethical Persuasion, both felt safe enough to explore and admit their fears and share their vulnerabilities. He was able to say he needed someone to lean on for a while. She was able to say she'd always been the leaner and didn't know how to be someone he could lean on.
Once they both felt heard, they decided to go to the bank together so she could learn how to manage their account, which helped her feel empowered and (2) each morning over breakfast she'd invite him to talk about his fears. Paradoxically, sharing his vulnerabilities helped him heal more quickly.
These are the three phases of Ethical Persuasion they followed:
In reality, an approach to conflict based on mutual understanding and a desire for cooperation brings us closer to others. This requires that we risk vulnerability, and a way to support that risk is to agree ahead of time that each will be fully heard and understood before proceeding to possible solutions.
To his frustration, he couldn't balance the monthly checkbook, and told his wife she'd have to do it.
Her fear at the possibility of losing him and having to manage on her own translated to defensiveness, and she made a sarcastic remark.
This escalated until they both stomped out of the room.
After they tried again, using Ethical Persuasion, both felt safe enough to explore and admit their fears and share their vulnerabilities. He was able to say he needed someone to lean on for a while. She was able to say she'd always been the leaner and didn't know how to be someone he could lean on.
Once they both felt heard, they decided to go to the bank together so she could learn how to manage their account, which helped her feel empowered and (2) each morning over breakfast she'd invite him to talk about his fears. Paradoxically, sharing his vulnerabilities helped him heal more quickly.
These are the three phases of Ethical Persuasion they followed:
- Exploring the other person's viewpoint (state your goal as mutual understanding, elicit the other's thoughts, feelings, desires and confirm what you hear until the other agrees you understand).
- Explaining your viewpoint (without blame or self-defense explain how the other's perspective affects you, share your own and ask for restatement until you can confirm that you've been understood).
- Creating resolutions (affirm mutual understanding and search for creative solutions; if you still can't agree, seek alternatives -- from compromise to 3rd-party counseling)
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