Play It Again, Sam

When I was a timid young graduate student I took assertiveness training. I can't say I immediately overcome my tendency to panic when I had to speak up for myself or defend myself under attack, but I did get the butterflies in my stomach to fly in formation. Some communication tools are golden, and my golden oldie is the assertion technique called "broken record."

Recently a client who owns a small business had to dismiss an employee who'd been with him for a number of years. In spite of a written agreement and repeated reminders about the timing of necessary paperwork, the employee typically responded late or never. My client is a kind and compassionate person and the employee had been friendly and loyal in other ways, so he felt guilty about letting her go. The key to assertive communication is to meet your own needs without trampling on the needs of others. It helped him to realize that in fact she hadn't been responding to his needs.

Of course if he imitated an actual broken record, saying exactly the same thing over and over, he'd sound like a robot and lose the advantage of personal influence. Instead, he practiced repeating his decision while staying with the context of the conversation, responding authentically to what he anticipated she might say:

"You haven't followed to the agreement we set up, and I've decided to let you go."

(She reminds him how many years she's worked for him.)

"I appreciate all the years you've worked for us, but in spite of reminders, you haven't sent the paperwork you agreed to, so next Friday will be your last day."

(She starts crying and says she needs the money, though he knows she has a second job.)

"I'm sorry you'll be making less money for awhile, but our business depends on the paperwork you've failed to complete. I've been doing it anyway, so I'm going to take over your responsibilities myself."

(She promises she'll do it in the future if he just lets her stay.)

"I'm sure you mean that at this moment, but you've promised before and haven't followed through, so I'm letting you go."

Another client told me this morning about a parenting approach called Love and Logic, "an approach to raising kids that provides loving support from parents while at the same time expecting kids to be respectful and responsible. I hear echoes of broken record in their article, "What Is Love and Logic for Parents?"

Love and Logic parents can handle arguments. Jim Fey advises "just go brain dead." This means that parents don't try to argue or match wits with the child. They simply repeat, as many times as  necessary, "I love you too much to argue."