Out of the Box Coaching

Conscious Love

2011-12-11T19:12:00.000-08:00

Maintaining an alive connection with an intimate partner today challenges us to free ourselves from old habits and blind spots... brings us face to face with all our gods and demons. John Wellwood, Journey of the Heart: The Path of Conscious Love

Over many years I've observed that however much we think we've developed ourselves, we will be tested in the crucible of relationships. Margaret Frings Keyes describes four stages of relationship which, paradoxically, grow worse before we can move into true intimacy:

Falling in Love -- we project unconscious positive images onto the other and glimpse the possibility of our wholeness.
Adapting to Roles -- we rebel or conform to the partner's expectations while repressing fears of losing the other.
Darkening Conflict -- we withdraw and refuse to deal with difficulties, try to control the partner, separate, or begin the work of integrating the Shadow (the only way we can move into stage 4).
Remembering Self -- we observe our interactions without judgment, see our prejudices as distortions, and begin to love consciously, choosing how we will respond instead of reacting blindly to old, habitual patterns.

The formula is the same as it is with personal work: identify our relationship patterns, non-judgmentally observe how those patterns work -- what triggers them, who says what, and how even attempted changes feed the old pattern instead, then experiment with pattern interruption -- doing something different, however, small.

Everyone speaks of an intimate relationship as requiring "work." I wish we could all inject a sense of humor and playfulness, as Harville Hendrix does when he writes:

So when we fall in love, when bells ring and the world seems altogether a better place, our old brain is telling us that we've found someone with whom we can complete our unfinished childhood business. Our imperfect caretakers, "freeze-dried" in the memories of childhood, are "reconstituted" in our partner. Unfortunately, since we don't understand what's going on, we're shocked when the awful truth of our beloved surfaces, and our first impulse is to run screaming in the opposite direction.

(More on Transforming Relationships)

Know Yourself

2011-11-08T10:19:00.000-08:00

The word resistance often has a negative meaning in everyday conversation. But resistance is simply opposition to change, neither good nor bad as a process. If people don't do what you want them to do, you may feel critical when you say, "They're resisting." But they have reasons in their own view of the world that make it seem sensible to challenge your suggestions.

In the same way, your unconscious has its own logic about resisting change. Psychologically, resistance is a natural process that protects you from experiencing anxiety. Yet it's quite natural to feel some form of anxiety when trying something new. Thus, the process of resistance can work so well and keep you so safe, you may sabotage the very change you want most.

For example, when you decide to make a change, you might find yourself:

procrastinating for fear of not doing it right,
feeling discomfort over unveiling yourself or accessing your deepest needs,
wanting to move too quickly to results without working the process,
stopping from fear of failure or lack of hope,
doubting the value of changing,
feeling anxious/antsy ("I don't have time for this" or "I don't have to actually do what's suggested; I can just read about it")
wanting to think about it more, instead of just trying it,
not being willing to admit weakness or vulnerability,
being distracted by something else or not knowing what you want.

If you experience these or similar reactions, congratulations -- you're on the right track! You've challenged some deeply embedded patterns. In fact, a strong reaction is most likely evidence of an area you particularly need to address to break "out of the box."

More in Out of the Box Self-Coaching Workbook.

Follow Your Nose

2011-09-11T19:12:00.000-07:00

I've sometimes said of myself, “I’m like a mole, I have to smell my way along.” More accurately, I might say “swim my way along” because moles have small eyes and lack external ears. To compensate, their long snouts and paddle-like forefeet allow them to “swim” through the soil. My learning style is kinesthetic, compared to auditory or visual channels for learning. For example, I tried to learn Adobe InDesign to use in self-publishing e-books. I bought the software. I bought the InDesign book. I had a video tutorial. I did NOT swim along!

In contrast, a friend with an auditory learning style says, “Give me a book and I can learn anything.” He hears the words in his mind, and understands.

A student of music whose learning style is auditory would focus on pitch, rhythm, phrasing, articulation, tempo. Another with a more visual learning style might picture rice being spilled on the floor to remember a certain passage. And a kinesthetic learner might touch the instrument and feel the vibrations or compare the music to the sensation of riding a horse at full gallop.

When I created my web site many years ago, I bought a package deal, for the consultant to spend a few hours with me setting up the web site and showing me the basics, then to be available to answer my questions. Don’t take “showing” literally. He quickly saw how important it was for me to put my fingers on the keyboard and try things out myself. A whole variety of kinesthetic metaphors would fit here. I paced. I tore out my hair. I stumbled. But bit by bit I got the “feel” for it. I nosed my way into it. (Another example here.)

So if you find yourself frustrated when trying to learn something new, give yourself credit for having a preferred way of learning that the approach you've been using may not have addressed. Here's a general way to assess your learning style:

*When you*..	Visual	Auditory	Kinesthetic & Tactile
Spell	Do you try to see the word?	Do you sound out the word or use a phonetic approach?	Do you write the word down to find if it feels right?
Talk	Do you favor words such as see, picture, and imagine?	Do you use words such as hear, tune, and think?	Do you use words such as feel, touch, and hold?
Concentrate	Do you become distracted by untidiness or movement?	Do you become distracted by sounds or noises?	Do you become distracted by activity around you?
Meet someone again	Do you forget names but remember faces or remember where you met?	Do you forget faces but remember names or remember what you talked about?	Do you remember best what you did together?
Contact people on business	Do you prefer direct, face-to-face, personal meetings?	Do you prefer the telephone?	Do you talk with them while walking or participating in an activity?
Read	Do you like descriptive scenes. imagine the actions?	Do you hear the characters talk?	Do you prefer action stories?
Do something new	Do you like to see demonstrations, diagrams, slides, or posters?	Do you prefer verbal instructions or talking about it with someone else?	Do you prefer to jump right in and try it?

For a free, detailed learning style assessment, go to Colin Rose's Accelerated Learning.

Ethical Persuasion

2011-08-11T10:22:00.000-07:00

Ethical Persuasion isn't just a negotiation strategy, but also a method of healing self-doubt and alienation within oneself. If you learn to respect and appreciate another's feelings, you will learn to treat your own feelings more wisely in the process. Tom Rusk, Ethical Persuasion

I especially like Rusk's approach because, as he suggests, self-doubt and survival fears drive our typical response to conflict: self-defense and/or attack. Most of us didn't learn how to engage productively with conflict while growing up.

In reality, an approach to conflict based on mutual understanding and a desire for cooperation brings us closer to others. This requires that we risk vulnerability, and a way to support that risk is to agree ahead of time that each will be fully heard and understood before proceeding to possible solutions

For example, one of my clients had an argument with his wife. Their dynamic as a couple had been that he made all the key decisions. During his recuperation from cancer surgery, he was surprised how emotionally vulnerable he felt and was distressed by his murky thinking as an aftereffect of anesthesia.

To his frustration, he couldn't balance the monthly checkbook, and told his wife she'd have to do it.

Her fear at the possibility of losing him and having to manage on her own translated to defensiveness, and she made a sarcastic remark.

This escalated until they both stomped out of the room.

After they tried again, using Ethical Persuasion, both felt safe enough to explore and admit their fears and share their vulnerabilities. He was able to say he needed someone to lean on for a while. She was able to say she'd always been the leaner and didn't know how to be someone he could lean on.

Once they both felt heard, they decided to go to the bank together so she could learn how to manage their account, which helped her feel empowered and (2) each morning over breakfast she'd invite him to talk about his fears -- which, paradoxically, helped him heal more quickly.

These are the three phases of Ethical Persuasion they followed (click here for more details):

Exploring the other person's viewpoint (state your goal as mutual understanding, elicit the other's thoughts, feelings, desires and confirm what you hear until the other agrees you understand).
Explaining your viewpoint (without blame or self-defense explain how the other's perspective affects you, share your own and ask for restatement until you can confirm that you've been understood).
Creating resolutions (affirm mutual understanding and search for creative solutions; if you still can't agree, seek alternatives -- from compromise to 3rd-party counseling)

Taking the Stage

2011-07-07T10:00:00.000-07:00

Are you one of those rare people who never gets nervous when giving a presentation? If so, be grateful. Most people have some kind of situation that causes the willies.

One of my clients, for example, was in his element giving a pep talk to his team, but when promoted to senior vice president he had to present to the board of directors in the company's huge conference room, standing behind a podium, looking out at a sea of "important" faces. Suddenly his knees threatened to buckle and he completely forgot what he'd rehearsed for weeks. He'd lost the confidence engendered by more familiar, comfortable, intimate settings.

If you're one of those who suffers from stage fright, take comfort in knowing you're not alone. Nicole Kidman has admitted her hands shake and she has trouble breathing in red carpet situations, with all those cameras focused on her. Rock singer Rod Stewart remembers a 1968 performance at New York's Fillmore East theater when he was so nervous he hid behind a stack of speakers for his first song. That way he didn't have to look at the audience.

I once read in a Book of Lists that not only do a significant number of people list their greatest fear as speaking in public, this ranks ABOVE fear of death.

You may think anxiety attacks would be difficult to change, and of course that's true for some people, but many who could change just don't know how. Typically, they avoid the triggering situations entirely or try to suppress anxiety when it is triggered, not realizing they're feeding the fear by reinforcing the belief "I can't do this." In his book Don't Panic, Dr. R. Reid Wilson writes:

"Our instinctual defenses fail to overcome panic. In fact, they actually support the recurrence of anxiety attacks. We encourage and strengthen the power of panic by treating it as our 'enemy,' to be avoided or to be battled... Whenever you resist something, that something will persist."

In fact, there are proven ways to break these patterns that will work for most people. Dr. Wilson's paradoxical approach is my favorite: locate the symptom and exaggerate it! This defies logic, I know, but it seems to communicate directly with the unconscious and knock it silly.

Another effective approach is the fast phobia cure. This method worked so well with a client who feared flying, she completed her next trip forgetting she used to be afraid, and only remembered it when I asked how her trip went.

A slightly more complicated but highly effective process is systematic desensitization and visualization, where you create a hierarchy of instances in the area of your fear, from least feared to most feared, then relax and visualize the least fearful until the anxiety goes away, moving gradually up the hierarchy until you can picture what used to be the scariest situation while feeling completely relaxed. One of my clients overcame his fear of snakes by gradual desensitization over a period of several weeks.

Most of all, allow yourself to laugh a little about your anxieties. The Pop-Up Book of Phobias adds grim humor to our variety of fears -- of heights, of flying, of spiders or snakes, of dentists, fear of pretty much anything you can imagine -- garlic, the color white, books (including pop-up books), priests...

The Side of the Brain Less Traveled

2011-06-08T17:35:00.000-07:00

Your brain has two different ways to process information. The left hemisphere is analytical and sequential. It involves math and language skills, organization, logic, reason, observation, and analysis. In contrast, your brain's right hemisphere involves creativity, emotions, spatial activities such as dance or athletics, and visualization.

More to the point in bringing about change, your left-brain processes also include defense mechanisms built on logic and reason. But this logic is not an absolute truth. Your reasoning processes are the result of left-brain explaining, analyzing, and interpreting, which are likely to be received through the same filters that programmed your view of the world and narrowed your perceptions and possibilities.

For significant change to occur, then, it's often necessary to bypass the analytical mind and its defense mechanisms. When your left-brain efforts to solve problems don't work, that's an invitation to involve your more holistic, creative, spontaneous, nonverbal self. How do you do that? One way is to notice the stories, cartoons, dreams, movies, figures of speech that draw your attention and explore what they might symbolize about you.

For example, we all feel "stuck" at some point in our lives. What does being stuck mean to you? Are you "frozen," "mired in quicksand," "looking down a long tunnel with no light at the end," or something else?

Stay within the metaphor and let it lead you to a possibility you hadn't considered before. If you feel "mired in quicksand," for example, picture yourself looking around and let your imagination offer something, perhaps a strong tree branch that's low enough to pull yourself out. Let your own metaphor change in some way that promises positive movement.

(From Out of the Box Self-Coaching Workbook)

How Do You "Suppose"?

2011-04-25T18:33:00.000-07:00

If you put a finger in each end of a Chinese Finger Trap, then try to pull your fingers out, they get caught tighter.

When you think of the puzzle as a "trap" your worldview is already geared toward escape. Logic tells you that to escape you must move away from the stuck place. But if logic prevailed, none of us would have any problems. "Hey, I'm not gonna do THAT anymore." Not!

If you approach the puzzle as a woven tube that has certain characteristics, you're more likely to notice how it works, to see how the weaving pulls tighter in one direction and looser in the other. Then all you're likely to say is, "Isn't that interesting? The way out of the finger trap is to push in." You have reframed what you previously supposed.

You can also reframe your thinking about the puzzles in your own life. Maybe you're "too serious," for example, and want to be more playful. You decide when you dress for work tomorrow you'll choose a brighter color than you usually wear. If you then say to yourself, "I'm going to notice ways in which I'm more playful while wearing this color," you set up a positive expectation, you suppose you will see yourself being looser, more spontaneous.

The technical term for this is presupposition. Presuppositions embed a positive expectation and assume a desired change.

What we focus on gives meaning to our experience. Instead of looking for reminders of how serious you are (akin to seeing the Finger Puzzle as a trap), you will look for exceptions to the problem -- small ways in which you're even a little bit less serious.

Presuppositions (positive expectations for evidence of change) are not the same as affirmations (telling yourself you're something you want to be). Repeating "I'm intelligent" ten times a day to overcome believing you aren't so smart would be an affirmation. Saying, "For the next week I'm going to notice how my intelligence operates" is a presupposition.

The more you use presuppositions, the more you'll see unexpected and even surprising changes in yourself. (That's a presupposition.)

The Vise of Nice

2011-02-27T09:43:00.000-08:00

The theme of people pleasing has been coming up with my clients this month. As I researched the topic more and more, I discovered a ground surge of interest--more than 18,000 searches a month to more than 700 web pages with the key words "people pleasing" or "people pleaser."

Doodle by Lee. The code for this doodle and other doodles you can use on your blog can be found at Doodles.

Is people pleasing a growing phenomenon, or just a catchy title, a fad of the moment? We certainly hear enough messages in our culture to be "nice" boys and girls. Think of the almost creepy lyrics of Santa Claus is Coming to Town--you'd better be good because Santa knows when you're sleeping, so even in your dreams you'd better not shout, pout, or cry. Surely this song was written by a parent, for parents.

Years ago I led a workshop for a team whose manager wanted them to be more outspoken and less intimidated by his strong-willed style. As a warm-up I asked all five team members to think privately of the first time they remembered being squelched by someone in authority, then to describe that memory to the others.

To my astonishment, all five men on this team described being humiliated when their first-grade teacher scolded them in front of the other children.

As Kelly Bryson writes in The Price of Nice, "It took me till the end of the school year in first grade before I could sit for the whole period with my hands folded, my feet together and my mouth shut... That's when I was seduced into the slavery of people pleasing." By first grade, many girls have already been conditioned to be "nice," not having the freedom often generated by adults smiling at their male siblings' mischievousness and proclaiming, "He's all BOY."

You can go to any book or web page to find the "how-to" release yourself from the Vice of Nice, but I encourage you to go deeper. Instead of thinking of being too nice as a vice, consider those parts of yourself that keep you from healthy independence and creativity as a vise that has clamped you down but also has qualities you want to preserve. You don't have to bounce to the extreme opposite of nice and become nasty, rude, or disdainful. You might choose the middle ground and be good-humored, sociable, or accepting.

A delightful way to embrace and learn from all your parts is to throw a "Parts Party," imagining each part as someone you know or a famous person who exemplifies that part.

For example, my bitch-on-wheels quality can look a lot like Cruella de Vil from The Hundred and One Dalmatians (above). In contrast, Lily Tomlin comes to mind when I personify my sense of humor.

For complete instructions on how to throw a parts party, click here. Invite a big crowd, no snacks required, just have fun.

A Cool Re-Organization Nudges Your Memory

2011-01-12T10:12:00.000-08:00

As a teacher or a learner, you know the power of acronyms for meaning and memory. Acronyms condense highly useful information in a way that's easy to remember.

I wondered if the word ACRONYM itself is an acronym, and found a site where readers had some fun, as in the borrowed title to this blog entry. But apparently the word acronym is not officially an acronym.

In modern times we've become accustomed to HTML (Hyper Text Markup Language) and LOL (Laughing Out Loud), as well as the maddening media trend (dare I call this MMT?) represented by BFF (Best Female Friend).

These examples don't intimate content, although we've endowed with meaning such acronyms as CEO (Chief Executive Officer), SCUBA (Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus), and LASER (Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation).

Even more powerful are acronyms that represent a system of ideas and also carry a specific meaning. Neil Rackam's SPIN comes close, in that his psychologically-based sales approach puts a "spin" on the traditional notion of selling (Situation questions, Problem questions, Implication questions, Need-payoff questions).

Parallel to my coaching approach, organizational consultant Sylvia Lefair's OUT makes it easy to remember the process her acronym represents, and also conveys the meaning of the word "out."

Observe behavior patterns so change can happen in a rapid manner.
Understand where the behavior came from for deeper and more long-lasting change.
Transform the patterns to their positive and healthy opposite, to effectively inspire and lead teams and organizations.

AWE is the acronym I've coined to represent clients' potentially awesome progress (follow the links for examples):

Awareness of your unique patterns.
Watching, without judgment, how those patterns operate.
Experimenting with pattern breaking until your unwanted beliefs and behaviors drop away.

Miriam Makeba Walked Through Fire

2010-11-15T09:17:00.000-08:00

First known to me in the sixties for her "clicking song," glorious Miriam Makeba sang in the click consonants of her native south African !Kung language (to pronounce "!Kung," make a click sound before the "k" sound).

In 1963, after testifying against apartheid before the United Nations, Makeba's South African citizenship and her right to return to her country were revoked. Controversy surrounding her 1968 marriage to Black Panther and civil rights activist Stokely Carmichael led to cancellations of her record deals and tours.

But she didn't let fear burn away commitment to her ideals.

Makeba's song "Masakhane" means "Let's build together!" and that's exactly what she did during her life, eventually winning—among many honors—the Dag Hammarskjold Peace Price, the Otto Hahn Peace Medal in Gold by the United Nations Association of Germany "for outstanding services to peace and international understanding," and the position of Goodwill Ambassador of the Food and Agriculture Organization of the United Nations. By the time of her death in 2008 she had been granted honorary citizenship of ten countries.

It's worth noting that shamans in Makeba's !Kung tradition communicate with the spirit world by entering a trance state and running through fire. This practice, common among many cultures, has evolved into modern Firewalking, where participants listen to a pep talk and then walk across burning coals. Debunkers point out that being able to do this without burning your feet has nothing to do with magic or mind over matter, citing the sizzle effect (a thin layer of sweat protects your feet) and the poor conducting properties/low thermal energy of the wood burned to create the coals. These skeptics miss the point.

I've walked on fire, and experienced my own and others' hesitation in the moment before taking that first step. Maybe it isn't exactly "mind over matter," but rather "mind over mind." The rules of experience lead us to believe (1) fire burns, (2) burns are painful, and (3) we should avoid pain. It was exciting to release these cautions, walk over the coals, and allow the exhilaration of freedom from limiting beliefs.

Whenever you want to make significant change, psychological rules that arose to protect you are now a barrier to new experience. Crossing that fear-provoking territory does not require magic, only faith—in yourself, in the necessary burning through, in the power of reaching the other side, if only you keep moving.

Joe Btfsplk Redux

2010-09-18T06:56:00.000-07:00

According to Al Capp, creator of comic strip L'il Abner, the proper way to pronounce Btfsplk is to close your lips with your tongue sticking out, then blow out air — commonly known as a Bronx Cheer. (PS: I encourage you to read this blog out loud.)

Joe Btfsplk radiated a cloud of doom everywhere he went. A really nice guy, Btfsplk couldn't help being a jinx to other people, so he resigned himself to being alone.

As much as you'd like to believe your personality is more appealing than Joe's, everyone carries a bit of Btfsplk. Here's the proof: Think about the last time you tried to change something in yourself but felt your efforts were jinxed. When you back away from the jinx, the shadow, you resign yourself to that gray cloud hanging over your head.

Instead of giving yourself a Bronx Cheer and trying to ignore the Btfsplk in you, get to know that troubling part and see what there is to learn.

Befriend your Btfsplk!

Why Not "Why"?

2010-08-13T06:20:00.000-07:00

If you'd been hypnotized in a nightclub act to do something silly afterward at the hypnotist's command, would you then ask, "Why am I clucking like a chicken?" No. You've volunteered to let someone make strong suggestions about your behavior.

As a child you were even more suggestible. Not only did you learn what was expected, you also learned how to maintain that trance. As an adult, your conscious mind and unconscious programming work together to keep the suggestions operating. Check it out for yourself. How many times a day do you say to yourself, "Don't be rude," or "Look out for yourself, nobody else is going to," or "_______________" (fill in the blank for yourself).

Does this mean you have to like the programming? No. You may consciously feel the urge to change, or you may have headaches, or tense shoulders, or acid indigestion, or depression. Something tells you this isn't who you want to be. These are wake-up calls -- your attempt to snap your fingers and break the trance.

You could spend the next few years exploring why you have the patterns you have. Or, you could simply accept that you've been in a trance and ask how? How does my trance operate? What triggers it? When you observe this closely, you'll know how to break the pattern.

It's not a surprise that we associate "being chicken" with powerlessness. But notice the implied meaning of "free-range chicken." You, too, can range free.

Smooth Sailing

2010-07-01T13:33:00.000-07:00

Let me guess. You've had at least one stressful event this week - an unexpected medical problem, concerns about a family member, your car needed expensive repairs and you looked longingly at a brand new Honda Fit but decided your 2003 Accord is healthy enough at 70,000 miles to live a much longer life... No, wait a minute, those are my stressors. You can have your own! And I'm sure you do.

Take a deep breath — or two, or three. Make yourself comfortable. Some stress management gurus ask that you sit with your back straight, both feet on the floor. But maybe you're more comfortable with your legs crossed, sliding down on your chair. Do what works for you.

Are you breathing? Good. I'd like to help you reduce some stress in your life. In other words, I want you to feel the way my cat, Carl, obviously felt when this photo was taken — a member of the Katmandu catamaran crew, occupying his preferred role as keeper of the salon couch.

Continue breathing deeply, as if you were happy to be sailing on a beautiful day.

Notice all the thoughts crowding your mind about problems to solve, things that could go wrong, how the weather might change.

Now, re-focus attention to your top 3-5 core values - principles or qualities intrinsically important to you. Sometimes it helps to ask, "If I only had six months to live, what would be most important for me right now?"

Now, thinking over this week, when were you out of sync with those values? In what way was that stressful? What did you say to yourself about the situation? What physical symptoms did you experience? What were your emotions?

Now gently disengage from those thoughts, place one hand over your heart, and shift your focus to the area around your heart.

Imagine your breath coming in through your heart and out your solar plexus. As you continue breathing this way, think of an uncomplicated positive feeling, appreciation or caring for someone or some thing in your life. Activate that positive feeling right now.

Within this positive feeling, let your heart's intelligence guide you. Ask How might I respond in an appreciative way, one that minimizes stress and keeps me connected to my values? Listen to whatever answer you receive, whether a physical or emotional shift, or some words that come to you.

This is what is meant by finding your sea legs - you're sailing in perfect balance, no matter what the weather.

(Learn more about your heart's intelligence.)

Traveling to the Future

2010-05-31T12:30:00.000-07:00

In a recent blog entry I described a workshop where our name tags represented our experience of ourselves at that point in time, a name that might change at any moment based on our evolving experience. Though I gave myself a variety of names during the week, from "Stunned" to "Excited," the most generative for me was "Star Nine." Yes, I'm a science fiction fan, but I wasn't referring to a futuristic space station on a distant planet.

My choice of Star Nine was inspired by the Motherpeace Tarot deck (the Star signifying readiness to begin the transformation process) and my Enneagram Style Nine (the Peacemaker's path to take a stand for my own priorities, instead of merging with others' agendas.) This choice symbolized my intention to "follow my star."

A colleague says the word that carries her intention is "Courage," though she called it a "Spirit Word." Here's a brief description of the process she learned from Merritt Mann:

Setting intention is a powerful act... sharing that we are open and ready to receive the teachings at the core of the attribute or qualities of the word we choose...

Step 1 — Inspiration: Let yourself be inspired by something you long to experience in your life (avoid confusing the voice of spirit with that of your ego). Follow that inspiration to find one to three words that call you.

Step 2 — Choose Your Spirit Word: It is helpful to try on - like a garment - each word or phrase you consider. How does it feel? Listen to the voice from within.

Step 3 — Define Your Spirit Word: Using a dictionary, write down the literal meaning of the word or phrase. Sit with this meaning. Now, allowing yourself to be guided, create your own spiritual meaning.

What's In a Name?

2010-04-28T10:56:00.000-07:00

Twenty years ago I had the good fortune to attend a Self-Differentiation Workshop with John and Joyce Weir. "Self-differentiation" refers to separating our intellectual and emotional functioning from childhood conditioning influences.

As children we typically had low differentiation from the family, depended on others for approval and acceptance, and began to unconsciously accept only input that fit our unique biases.

As adults we carry this worldview with us, acting as if there's a truth in the world around us, when, in fact, we create that world based on the meaning we give it.

Below are two ways you can broaden your worldview, based on practices from the Weir workshop.

First, we used language to denote how we project our perceptions onto others. Projection means denying something about yourself and attributing that denied aspect to someone else, as if your unconscious were a movie projector and the other person the screen.

When you experience surprisingly strong emotions, that's a clue that you may be denying the same trait in yourself. You'll know by trying it on.

Let's say you're particularly impatient with Sue, who's "always moping when she doesn't get enough attention." You'd say to yourself: "I'm impatient with the 'Sue' in me who mopes when she doesn't get attention." Then let it settle, and see what comes up.

Now think of someone you know who really gets under your skin, and finish this sentence: "I'm (strong emotion) with the (name) in me who (behavior you dislike)." Let it settle, see what comes up.

Second, we were requested in the workshop to choose name tags that represented what we were projecting onto the world at the moment. When that changed, so did our name tags. For example, one participant chose "teenager" for his opening day name tag; later that week he was "deer in the headlights."

What word or phrase would capture what you're projecting onto the world at this very moment?

Lovin' the Spin I'm In

2010-04-02T10:52:00.001-07:00

A phenomenon known as frame dragging predicts that a rotating mass will drag space around it, like a bowling ball spinning in molasses.

This is an apt metaphor for how stuck our worldviews become when we operate in the same old way instead of broadening our perspective.

We continue spinning in the molasses of our patterns, no matter how much we want to do something different, because that particular spin has so much momentum.

Sometimes we wake up to a bigger game because our bowling scores are down. Sometimes it takes a complete "miss" to energize change.

Remember these lyrics to a Frank Sinatra song?

"In a spin, lovin' the spin I'm in..."

Paradox is essential to change. When you see the spin you're in and love yourself anyway you will, paradoxically, unstick yourself from the molasses that's been dragging you around.

Seeing with New Eyes

2010-03-03T21:32:00.000-08:00

I tuned in to a Webinar yesterday about leadership agility, where "agility" is a process of reflective action or ongoing learning from your own actions — the ability to focus, step back, gain a broader and deeper perspective, and re-engage from that new perspective.

Though addressed to organizational leadership, the four key areas of agility are applicable with anyone or group of any size, from individuals to partners to families to organizations to communities to nations:

Self-leadership agility — stepping back to become more aware of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and experimenting with new, more effective approaches.

Creative agility — stepping back from your habitual assumptions and developing optimal solutions to the issues you face.

Stakeholder agility — stepping back from your own views and objectives to consider the needs and perspectives of stakeholders.

Context-setting agility — stepping back to determine the best initiatives, given changes taking place in the larger environment within which you operate.

As noted by these authors, we all need greater agility to adapt to our turbulent world economy's accelerating change, growing complexity, and interdependence.

We enrich our lives and the lives of those we impact when we step back from our habitual views to broaden and deepen our perspective.

Don't Run, Make it a Home Run!

2010-02-03T05:53:00.000-08:00

It's normal and human, when difficult feelings arise, to want to run from the discomfort or to strike out and blame someone else. Either of these responses only reinforces the pattern that caused the distress in the first place.

When you allow yourself to fully experience your typical reactions, you'll discover a new meaning for the baseball phrase, sweet spot ("When you hit a ball just right, you've hit it on one of the three 'sweet spots' of the bat").

Years ago I learned from Arnold Mindell that we receive signals about unconscious patterns through one of three channels: physical, auditory, or visual. These are our sweet spots. Stop right now, think of a recent situation where you felt upset, and ask yourself, "Was my first clue...

a) a physical sensation such as a headache, backache, or tense shoulders?"

b) an auditory conversation (self-talk) such as 'OK, now I've really gotten myself into something'?"

c) a visual image (could be literally 'seeing red' or another image)?"

Whether your recent experience was predominantly physical, auditory, or visual, now switch to another channel by asking one of these questions:

a) "If I could sense this [problem] physically, where would it be?"
b) "If this [problem] could speak to me, what would it say?"
c) "If I could see this [problem], what would it look like?"

The first time I tried this, I was having severe neck pain, so I asked the pain, "If you could speak to me, what would you say?" To my astonishment, I heard the phrase "Yoke of oppression." Not surprisingly, when I then asked to "see" the pain, I saw two yoked oxen being driven with a whip.

It's also not surprising that my unconscious responded in metaphor. When logic doesn't work ("I think I'll just have my neck quit hurting"), that's an invitation to involve your more holistic, creative, spontaneous, nonverbal self.

I hadn't realized how much I felt pushed around, yoked by something I didn't want for myself. I eventually became familiar with a deeply programmed pattern of allowing others to influence the direction of my life, and learned to clarify what I wanted for myself.

Working with the yoke metaphor was life-changing for me. Find the sweet spot that changes your game.

More in Self-Coaching Workbook.

Moving From Problems to Solutions

2010-01-17T07:23:00.000-08:00

Sometimes advice is appropriate, but when you're in a coaching or mentoring role, people accept more responsibility and learn more if you help them solve their own problems. These four communication skills will help move a conversation from problems to solutions:

Active Listening

— Paraphrase: Play back your understanding of what they said. If your restatement is not quite on target, they will usually clarify.

— Reflect: Confirm what they seem to be feeling. This helps diffuse tension, acknowledges their right to express feelings, and lets them know you support them, even if you disagree.

Open Probing

— Open probes encourage the other to amplify: "Go on." "Tell me more about..." "Give me an example of... " "What did you do/say?" "How did the situation arise?" "You mentioned previously that... " "Remind me again of..."

— Notice also how the way you probe can begin to lead toward solutions: "How do you think it could have been handled better?" "What might happen if...?" "How do you see ___ being able to improve?"

— NOTE: "Don't you think that...?" is advice in disguise, not a probe.

Reframing

Instead of focusing on what you don't like, reframe their negative statements into a positive. This is not about being "nice." The purpose is to keep your eye on solutions and model how to open up their thinking by turning obstacles into opportunities. If someone complains about inconsistencies in top management's priorities, you might say, "You'd like to see things handled differently here."

Both/and Thinking

Most people who are stuck in problems are also using either/or thinking ("It's doomed to failure because it will take too long to do it right and we'll go into overrun"). Move into both/and thinking with a question that integrates the apparent opposites:

Mentally determine the two apparent opposites (in this case quality and time).
Ask a question that presumes both are possible ("How might you do both ___ and ___?"). For example, "How might you assure that it's done well in a short enough time?" or "Let's think together about how we might provide acceptable quality in the time remaining."

What is the Problem?

2010-01-08T08:10:00.001-08:00

(Adapted from Ezra Bayda's Being Zen):

An ambitious student comes to see his teacher, who asks, “What is the basic human problem?”

The student ponders this, then answers, “We are not awake.”

“Yes, but those are only words," says the teacher. "You are only thinking.” And he sends the student away.

Perturbed, the student continues to ponder. A week later he returns. The teacher asks, “Have you figured out the basic human problem?”

The student replies, “Yes. The basic human problem is that we think too much. We are identified with our thinking. We believe our thoughts.”

The teacher answers, “Again, you are thinking. You must see the basic human problem in yourself.” The student leaves feeling dejected.

The student pulls out all his books and studies. When he returns to see the teacher, he is almost stuttering, so sure he knows the answer. Seeing the state he is in, the teacher asks, “What is the basic human problem?”

The student happily says, “There is no problem!”

The teacher stares at him: “Then what are you doing here?”

The student deflates. His shoulders drop; his head drops; he feels totally humiliated.

The teacher asks, “What are you experiencing right now?

“I feel like crawling into a hole.”

“When you can fully experience this feeling," reminds the teacher, "then you will understand the basic human problem.”

How to Keep From Caving to Craving

2009-12-28T11:52:00.000-08:00

Tips for New Year's Goals

Be an objective observer of yourself. Habits you want to change are only patterns of behavior. They're neither good nor bad. So let go of judging.

Instead of trying to STOP doing something you don't want to do (think of all that wasted energy), look at the pattern of behaving with an objective eye: How does it work? How often does it show up? What triggers it? What does it look like? How long does it last?

Notice your desire to cave in to the craving, or to run from it ("I can't STAND feeling like this"). Yes, you can stand it. It won't kill you. Be with what shows up and as you stay with it, find a way to "do" it differently.

Let's say you've decided to quit smoking. The next time that desire is triggered, notice where in your body you experience the "wanting" and exaggerate the physical sensation ("It's like I'm about to fly apart"). Continue exaggerating until you know the label you've given the sensation is an exact fit. ("No, it's like my guts are being torn apart by rabid dogs!"). No matter how much you dislike feeling this way, notice that it's not killing you. Have courage. Stay with it. As you do, the sensation will loosen its hold on you.

Another way to stay with the desire, without acting on it, is to find a humorous way to play with it. Perhaps you have a toy horn — the kind you blow on at a New Year's party — and when you desire to smoke you walk around the block twice, blowing the horn every three steps. If you can't imagine doing that, let your own imagination come up with an idea that makes you laugh. Go with it!

Remember that it's quite natural to resist change. Unfortunately, we tend to beat ourselves up when we don't follow through. Instead, if you find yourself continuing the old habit, in this case smoking, notice what you're feeling and how you're judging yourself. Recognize these as signs that you've challenged a deeply embedded pattern, which means you're on the right path.

Invite the pattern again, and remember: if something you've tried hasn't worked, do something different!

More like this in my Self-Coaching Workbook. See also, "Urge Surfing" and Cassius Cheong's Positively Quit! Manual.

Flowing In and Out of Anger

2009-12-09T17:20:00.000-08:00

Recently I became increasingly angry with persistent e-mail ads from a retailer where I'd bought a small item, in spite of unsubscribing countless times and even contacting their customer service (they also sent me an unsubscribe link, which I followed — to no avail).

I was carrying this resentment as if it nurtured a flame, forgetting the quote from a friend that "resentment is like taking poison and expecting someone else to die."

This is the way our patterned responses work. Not useful? Even detrimental? "Who cares?" our unconscious shouts, "It's familiar and I've got the groove!"

The most comprehensive recent suggestions I've found are from Think Simple Now. These "Fifteen Ways to Overcome Anger" are consistent with my approach to change, framed as ways to interrupt a pattern:

When negative feelings arise, we have two choices, (1) to follow the habitual pattern we've learned since we were young, to react and allow the negativity to consume us, or (2) to interrupt the pattern we have been conditioned to follow, and in doing so build new neural pathways that allow for alternative possibilities.

More at Out of the Box Coaching...

It's out there - can you hear it?

2009-12-03T06:34:00.000-08:00

From Stephen Josephs, in our conversation about transcendence:

We are all musicians. Each of us is our own instrument, and after you master the instrument you'll always be able to play it, but it won't matter anymore because you'll hear music everywhere.

The Real Deal

2009-11-30T07:51:00.000-08:00

Just as actors with a good director can portray a role that's completely believable to the audience, all of us have developed self-images to fulfill the roles expected of us as children, resulting in habitual, patterned behavior.

Although you may not be conscious of exactly how that happened, you were programmed as surely as if someone said, "Act this way and you will be accepted/ loved/ admired/ protected/ supported/ (add your own word)."

Furthermore, we all want to win the Oscar, so we've learned to interact with others in ways that reinforce the patterns and maintain the image.

To find the real you, the first and most basic practice is neutral self- observation. If you were an experienced birdwatcher you would want to identify particular birds, to know about their habitat, habits, plumage, and shapes. You would not be looking through binoculars and thinking, "Oh no! Those swallows aren't migrating in a perfect V."

A bird is a bird; a pattern is a pattern. Engage your curiosity instead of self-criticism.

More in Out of the Box Self-Coaching Workbook.

How to Do Yourself In

2009-11-29T18:05:00.000-08:00

(Drawn from Paul Watzlawick:

The Situation is Hopeless, But Not Serious)

1. Reject the world as it is and decide there's only one correct view: yours!

2. Base your relationships on someone needing help and you're supplying it.

3. Carefully maintain a disbelief in your own lovability.

4. Turn the past into a reliable source of unhappiness.

5. Maintain your stereotypes by limiting contact with people different from you.

6. Sharpen your eye for ominous portents.

7. Keep a smile on your face; never acknowledge what you're actually feeling.

8. If your solution hasn't produced the desired results, apply it more forcefully.

9. Set a lofty goal so no one will blame you if you're lost or haven't even started.

Do some of these sound more like you than others? Discover your personality blind spots and potential.

Yes, You Can

2009-11-29T15:14:00.000-08:00

Think of all the times you've said you couldn't do something and found you could, when mentored or coached.

In early 2008 I started art classes with Lissa Friedman, who has helped me discover a completely new aspect of myself.

The cloisonne vases in this still life have been in my family since my Dad was stationed in Japan in the mid-forties; the Italian silk scarf was a gift from my friend Lesley. During the process of painting this still life, I was inspired by Stede Barber's article, "'Can I Be An Artist?' Yes, You Can."