The theme of people pleasing came up frequently when I was coaching. As I researched the topic, I found a ground surge of interest--more than 18,000 searches a month to more than 700 web pages with the key words "people pleasing" or "people pleaser."
Doodle by Lee. The code for this doodle and other doodles you can use on your blog can be found at Doodles.
Is people pleasing just a catchy title, a fad of the moment? When I was growing up, there were many messages in our culture to be "nice" boys and girls. Think of the almost creepy lyrics of Santa Claus is Coming to Town--you'd better be good because Santa knows when you're sleeping, so even in your dreams you'd better not shout, pout, or cry. Surely this song was written by a parent, for parents.
Years ago I led a workshop for a team whose manager wanted them to be more outspoken and less intimidated by his strong-willed style. As a warm-up I asked all five team members to think privately of the
first time they remembered being squelched by someone in authority, then to describe that memory to the others.
To my astonishment, all five men on this team described being humiliated when their first-grade teacher scolded them in front of the other children.
As Kelly Bryson writes in The Price of Nice, "It took me till the end of the school year in first grade before I could sit for the whole period with my hands folded, my feet together and my mouth shut... That's when I was seduced into the slavery of people pleasing." By first grade, many girls have already been conditioned to be "nice," not having the freedom often generated by adults smiling at their male siblings' mischievousness and proclaiming, "He's all BOY."
You can go to any book or web page to find the "how-to" release yourself from the Vice of Nice, but I encourage you to go deeper. Instead of thinking of being too nice as a vice, consider those parts of yourself that keep you from healthy independence and creativity as a vise that has clamped you down but also has qualities you want to preserve. You don't have to bounce to the extreme opposite of nice and become nasty, rude, or disdainful. You might find a more integrated ground and be good-humored, sociable, or accepting.
Years ago I led a workshop for a team whose manager wanted them to be more outspoken and less intimidated by his strong-willed style. As a warm-up I asked all five team members to think privately of the
first time they remembered being squelched by someone in authority, then to describe that memory to the others.To my astonishment, all five men on this team described being humiliated when their first-grade teacher scolded them in front of the other children.
As Kelly Bryson writes in The Price of Nice, "It took me till the end of the school year in first grade before I could sit for the whole period with my hands folded, my feet together and my mouth shut... That's when I was seduced into the slavery of people pleasing." By first grade, many girls have already been conditioned to be "nice," not having the freedom often generated by adults smiling at their male siblings' mischievousness and proclaiming, "He's all BOY."
You can go to any book or web page to find the "how-to" release yourself from the Vice of Nice, but I encourage you to go deeper. Instead of thinking of being too nice as a vice, consider those parts of yourself that keep you from healthy independence and creativity as a vise that has clamped you down but also has qualities you want to preserve. You don't have to bounce to the extreme opposite of nice and become nasty, rude, or disdainful. You might find a more integrated ground and be good-humored, sociable, or accepting.
A delightful way to embrace and learn from all your parts is to throw a "Parts Party," imagining each part as someone you know or a famous person who exemplifies that part. For example, my bitch-on-wheels quality can look a lot like Cruella de Vil from The Hundred and One Dalmatians (image above). In contrast, Lily Tomlin comes to mind when I personify my sense of humor.
Invite a big crowd, no snacks required, just have fun.
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