Free Yourself from Either/Or Thinking

The following dilemma was offered as part of a job application:

"Driving along a road at night, you see three people waiting at a bus stop. You only have room for one, but when you pull up to offer a ride, you discover you must choose between an elderly woman who needs immediate medical attention, or a dear friend who once saved your life, or your perfect mate. Which one would you choose?"

Notice the either/or thinking implicit in the way the question was worded ("...an elderly woman... or a dear friend..." etc.). Far too often, our limitations result from worldviews with implicit either/or parameters. Here are some common ones:

One:  "Either do what I should or do what I want."

Two:  "Either meet others' needs or meet my own."

Three:  "Either succeed or have my own emotional life."

Four:  "Either be accepted or be my authentic self."

Five:  "Either have what I need or share."

Six:  "Either be safe or be creative."

Seven:  "Either have fun or fulfill commitments."

Eight:  "Either be strong or be vulnerable."

Nine:  "Either let others have their way or have my own way."

You can open yourself to new possibilities by thinking in terms of both/and:

1. First, identify the key components of the "either" and the "or" (think of one as X and the other as Y). You may think, for example, that interrupting someone (X) is rude (Y).
2. Then push your both/and button by asking "How can I do both X and Y?" You might ask, for example, "How can I interrupt in a way that is not rude?" or "How can I interrupt in a way that is considerate?"

The candidate who was hired wrote this answer to the job interview question: "I would give the car keys to my old friend to take the elderly woman to the hospital and wait for the bus with the mate of my dreams."