My articles in The Enneagram Monthly Online

Seeing-Eye Coaching

Bringing Projections Home

How Writers Can Draw From the Enneagram

Going for the Gold: Alchemy in Coaching

Somebody? Nobody?

Three-Step Self-Coaching Process

A.W.E. Three Steps to Self-Coaching 

From my Self-Coaching Workbook

Awareness of your unique patterns of motivation and behavior. 

If you'd been hypnotized in a nightclub act to do something silly afterward at the hypnotist's command, would you then ask, "Why am I clucking like a chicken?" No. You volunteered to let someone make strong suggestions about your behavior. As a child you were even more suggestible. Read more. . . 


Watching, without judgment, how those patterns operate. 

Instead of backing away from an aspect of yourself you don't like, get to know that troubling part and see what there is to learn. ReLad more. . . 

Experimenting to interrupt patterns and invite transpersonal change. 

When you allow yourself to fully experience your typical reactions, you'll discover a new meaning for the baseball phrase, sweet spot. Read more. . .

 

Let yourself be in AWE!

More in my Self-Coaching Workbook

How to Stop Feeding Your Hungry Ghost

In Buddhism the Hungry Ghosts are depicted as teardrop shaped, with bloated stomachs and necks too thin to pass food – representing our futile attempts to feed ego patterns. We can never find satisfaction. It's like drinking salt water to quench our thirst.

Mark Epstein, in Thoughts Without a Thinker, describes our Hungry Ghosts as "searching for gratification of old unfulfilled needs whose time has passed." 

We all can feel confused and disappointed in ourselves when we haven't been able to make changes in our lives we desperately want to make. It helps immensely to recognize these hungry ghosts as unconscious patterns of beliefs and behaviors we developed as children.

Instead of trying to ignore or overcome old “bad” behavior, be mindful. Let the ghosts in with compassion and without judgment, see how they operate. This could be you: 

You: “I haven’t done as much writing this week as I’d like to. And I’ve been beating myself up about that.” 

Your compassionate self: “You wanted to do more. How did you beat yourself up? What did that look like?”

You: “Feeling uncomfortable, anxious, telling myself I’m lazy, disappointed in myself."

Your compassionate self: “So that’s been a pattern, not writing as much as you’d like, then beating yourself up. Anything else?”

You: “I feel lost in a way, like there’s no structure, no clear path for me to follow. I’ve always felt a little uneasy when I’ve only had myself to rely on.” 

Notice the lack of judgment in your compassionate self's responses. Exploring what your ghosts do and how they do it will encourage them to unveil more, bring the past into the present, and release attachments to outmoded, unnecessary patterns.  

Lovin' the Spin I'm In

A phenomenon known as frame dragging predicts that a rotating mass will drag space around it, like a bowling ball spinning in molasses.

This is an apt metaphor for how stuck our worldviews become when we operate in the same old way instead of broadening our perspective.

We continue spinning in the molasses of our patterns, no matter how much we want to do something different, because that particular spin has so much momentum.

Sometimes we wake up to a bigger game because our bowling scores are down. Sometimes it takes a complete "miss" to energize change.

Remember these lyrics to a Frank Sinatra song?

"In a spin, lovin' the spin I'm in..." 

Paradox is essential to change. When you see the spin you're in and love yourself anyway you will, paradoxically, unstick yourself from the molasses that's been dragging you around.  

Seeing with New Eyes

Bill Joiner and Stephen Josephs define leadership agility as a process of reflective action or ongoing learning from your own actions — the ability to focus, step back, gain a broader and deeper perspective, and re-engage from that new perspective.

Though addressed to organizational leadership, the four key areas of agility are applicable with anyone or group of any size, from individuals to partners to families to organizations to communities to nations:

Self-leadership agility — stepping back to become more aware of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and experimenting with new, more effective approaches.

Creative agility — stepping back from your habitual assumptions and developing optimal solutions to the issues you face.

Stakeholder agility — stepping back from your own views and objectives to consider the needs and perspectives of stakeholders.

Context-setting agility — stepping back to determine the best initiatives, given changes taking place in the larger environment within which you operate. 

As noted by these authors, we all need greater agility to adapt to our turbulent world economy's accelerating change, growing complexity, and interdependence.

We enrich our lives and the lives of those we impact when we step back from our habitual views to broaden and deepen our perspective.

Using Resistance as a Positive Force for Change

In his chapter on resistance in Flawless Consulting, Peter Block makes the point that people often use the phrase "overcoming resistance," which implies that convincing or persuading people will win them over. This doesn't usually work.

If your point of view wasn't persuasive to begin with, repeating it will probably only make others dig their heels in deeper. They may feel threatened in some way (which to them is legitimate), or trying to maintain what's important to them (which to them is legitimate). They may feel some concern about their credibility, their job security, their sense of autonomy, their competence. They may also see a lack of congruence between the proposed change and some core values.

Someone who defends the status quo can actually be valuable to you. In your zeal for change you may be missing something they represent that could help you avoid problems. And they may represent others who don't support the change but aren't so open about their reluctance -- whatever they're concerned about is an important issue for you to address. Most important, because defenders have the courage and strength to challenge you openly, you want them on your side, and it isn't necessary to fight for what you believe to make that happen.

Think of the futility of standing in a flooding river to stop the flow. When the "flow" of someone's energy is directed against your efforts, trying to convince them to head in a different direction can be equally futile. An effective way to deal with a flooding river is to divert the water using its own energy -- by digging a channel, for example.

In his classic article, "A Positive Approach to Resistance," H.B. Karp suggests surfacing, honoring, and exploring the resistance by making its expression as safe as possible and asking for all of it, at the same time listening, acknowledging, reinforcing the notion that resistance is permissible, even valuable, and probing for alternatives. 

Karp's article reminds us "the objective is not to eliminate all resistance," but instead to "work with and reduce needless resistance" and, once the conversation is workable, to "thank the resister and move on. It is important not to try to persuade the resister to like the demand. It is enough that the resister is willing to agree to it."

For more ideas, go to my blog post, Moving From Problems to Solutions.

Why Not "Why"?

If you'd been hypnotized in a nightclub act to do something silly afterward at the hypnotist's command, would you then ask, "Why am I clucking like a chicken?" No. You've volunteered to let someone make strong suggestions about your behavior.

As a child you were even more suggestible. Not only did you learn what was expected, you also learned how to maintain that trance. As an adult, your conscious mind and unconscious programming work together to keep the suggestions operating. Check it out for yourself. How many times a day do you say to yourself, "Don't be rude," or "Look out for yourself, nobody else is going to," or "__________" (fill in the blank for yourself). 

Does this mean you have to like the programming? No. You may consciously feel the urge to change, or you may have headaches, or tense shoulders, or acid indigestion, or depression. Something tells you this isn't who you want to be. These are wake-up calls--your attempt to snap your fingers and break the trance. 

You could spend the next few years exploring why you have the patterns you have. Or you could simply accept that you've been in a trance and ask how? How does my trance operate? When you observe this closely, you'll know how to break the pattern. It's not a surprise that we associate "being chicken" with powerlessness. But notice the implied meaning of "free-range chicken." You, too, can range free.

More in my Self-Coaching Workbook.

Moving From Problems to Solutions

Sometimes advice is appropriate, but when you're in a supervisory role, those you're coaching will accept more responsibility and learn more if you help them solve their own problems. These four communication skills move a conversation from focusing on problems to generating solutions:

Active Listening

— Paraphrase: Play back your understanding of what they said. If your restatement is not quite on target, they'll usually clarify.

— Reflect: Confirm what they seem to be feeling. This helps diffuse tension, acknowledges their right to express feelings, and lets them know you support them, even if you disagree.

Open Probing

— Open probes encourage the other to amplify: "Go on." "Tell me more about..." "Give me an example of... " "What did you do/say?" "How did the situation arise?" "You mentioned previously that..." "Remind me again of..."

— Notice also how the way you probe can begin to lead toward solutions: "How do you think it could have been handled better?" "What might happen if... ?" "How do you see ___ being able to improve?"

(NOTE: "Don't you think that...?" is advice in disguise, not a probe.)

Reframing

Instead of focusing on what you don't like, reframe negative statements into a positive. This is not about being "nice." The purpose is to keep your eye on solutions and model how to turn obstacles into opportunities. If someone complains about inconsistencies in top management's priorities, you might say, "You'd like to see things handled differently here."

Both/And Thinking

Most people who are stuck in problems are also using either/or thinking ("It will take too long to do it right"). Move the conversation into both/and thinking:

1. Mentally determine the two apparent opposites (in this case quality and time).
2. Ask a question that presumes both are possible ("How might you do both ___ and ___?"). For example, "What could be done in the current timeframe?" or What could we change to make it work in the time remaining?"

How to Give Feedback

If someone you're trying to give feedback seems defensive in response, take a look at how you're framing your words. Are you using general and blaming terminology? ("You never initiate a conversation about our relationship." "You come across as arrogant." "You've been disrespectful to me.")  

It's a natural human response to defend ourselves against feeling we've been wrong or bad. If you really want someone to change, it's vital to frame your comments in a way that bypasses those defenses. The other person needs to be able to take in what you're saying and consider whether they want to change and know how to change. 

If someone asks, "Why didn't people warm up to me at the dinner party last night?" saying "Well, you came across as arrogant" will be difficult to hear and accept as true. Even if they can accept it, they might change some behavior that's entirely different from what you meant to point out. What behavior, exactly, seemed "arrogant" to you? 

Effective feedback is specific, descriptive, nonjudgmental. It communicates whether or not someone's behavior is "on target" in relation to a shared goal. While the examples below are from work situations, the elements of effective feedback apply equally well in personal relationships:

Instead of judging someone as wrong -- using words like should, always, never, don't -- describe what you've observed.

Judgmental: "You're still not delegating enough."

Descriptive: "We talked about your delegating more to Larry and Helen, yet you're still putting in overtime. Tell me how things are going with them."  

Instead of a general comment that's open to interpretation, be specific. 

General: "You're not a team player."

Specific: "At the quarterly team meeting last week you noted how you improved profitability but didn't mention the work we put in behind the scenes." 

Instead of criticizing the whole person, direct your feedback toward behavior that can be changed.

Personal: "You're a buffoon!"

Behavioral: "Your introduction today took 30 minutes. Your stories were funny, but we were pressed for time, and after about 15 minutes I quit listening because I was anxious to get started."

The simple formula?  Describe specific behavior.

Responding to Criticism and Manipulation Without Defensiveness*

Often other people don't give effective feedback. Even when they're descriptive and helpful, we sometimes feel defensive anyway. In either case, most people think their only options in response are to (1) take it, (2) explain/defend themselves, or (3) fight back. 

There is another option. You can agree to a partial truth, agree to a probability, and/or agree in principle, followed in each case by probing for more information.

For example, if someone says you're not serious enough, you could: 

Agree to a Partial Truth -- "It's true I'm not as serious as some people we know," followed by, "In what way has that been a problem?" Or "Is there something in particular you suggest I change?"

Agree to a Probability -- "Maybe I haven't been serious enough," followed by, "Tell me more" or "What would you like to see me do differently?" 

Agree to a Principle -- "I agree it's important to be serious sometimes," followed by, "What have I done or said that's out of balance?" or "Let's talk about how my being more serious would be helpful here."

It may take a round or two or probing for details and/or moving to a solution before the other person stops making judgmental ("You're not..., you should... you shouldn't") or global statements (what does serious mean to that person in reference to you?). But if you remain non-defensive and show you're open enough to look at yourself honestly, eventually you'll have specific, behavioral feedback. You may or may not choose to act on it, but at least you'll know exactly what the other person is perceiving.

Then you can explain yourself, if necessary, and show your appreciation, if appropriate. Benefits of responding this way:

• Even when the other person is being manipulative and/or passive-aggressive, this will lead to a more direct interchange.
• Your questions will require the other person to be more specific, less judgmental.
• You'll buy some time and lower your defensiveness as you think through which way to respond: Is there some truth to it? Might there be some truth to it? Can I at least agree to an implied principle?
• You may learn something about yourself you need to know.
• The other person will gain respect for you instead of thinking, "Forget it! You can't tell that person anything!" 

*Dr. Manuel Smith calls this technique Fogging (see When I Say No I Feel Guilty and When I Say No I Feel Guilty, Vol. II, for Managers and Executives).

Two Types of Creativity: Kirton Adaption-Innovation Indicator

In his book Adaptors and Innovators, Dr. Michael Kirton described Adaption-Innovation as a cognitive style, a "preferred mode of tackling problems at all stages." He emphasizes that scores on the Kirton Adaption-Innovation Inventory (KAI), are value-free: "Very high, very low or intermediate KAI scores are neither laudatory nor pejorative." All of us can use both styles of creative problem solving, but we have a preference for either Adaptive/Resourceful or Innovative/Original Creativity.

Adaptive/Resourceful

People who score on the KAI as Adaptive tend to accept the paradigm within which a problem is embedded (current theories, policies, points of view). They're likely to produce a few ideas that aim at continuity with the practices, norms, and current way of doing things, but bring about a better way of doing them. They often (not always) show a preference for Sensing on the MBTI. To be successful over time, most organizations (except the most innovative in their products and/or services) will necessarily be adaptive in their orientation. It's more costly and risky to continually do things in a different way. Kirton remarks that Adaptors are at their best "in the smooth, efficient operation of an existing system; creatively refining, improving, and extending the thinking that underlies it."

Innovative/Original

People who score on the KAI as Innovative tend to "detach the problem from its cocoon of accepted thought," to step out of the "box" or paradigm. They tend to redefine a problem, produce many ideas, break through what the organization perceives as givens and restraints, provide solutions aimed at doing things differently. They often (not always) show a preference for Intuition on the MBTI. While a company is growing and maintaining itself in predictable ways and in a predictable market, innovative solutions are not necessarily preferable; but organizations cannot survive if they're unable to break through with new thinking when necessary.

The Dilemma of Differences

Studies at the Center for Creative Leadership suggest that each problem mode has its advantages, and the most successful organizations (and leaders) are those able to use both problem-solving styles flexibly. In many organizations, though, Innovators experience problems in communication because it's difficult to get others to see outside the box, and they're often met with skepticism.

Perhaps as a consequence, Innovators tend to be condescending to Adaptors, who can be very resourceful and come up with excellent solutions to ongoing problems, but who tend to work within the rules, to seek consensus, and to prefer change that occurs gradually. Thus, Adaptors are often seen by Innovators as unimaginative, stuck, resistant to change, always focused on problems vs. solutions, and/or lacking a view of the big picture.

Because innovative solutions are less easily understood and have unpredictable outcomes, and because such break-through change is threatening, Innovators are often seen by Adaptors as undisciplined, impractical, irreverent, abrasive, and/or insensitive to people. Clearly, a better understanding of these different creative styles -- and the value of each under certain circumstances -- can lead to stronger, more flexible teams and more successful organizations.

Follow Your Nose

I've sometimes said of myself, “I’m like a mole, I have to smell my way along.” More accurately, I might say “swim my way along” because moles have small eyes and lack external ears. To compensate, their long snouts and paddle-like forefeet allow them to “swim” through the soil. 

My learning style is kinesthetic, compared to auditory or visual channels for learning. For example, I tried to learn Adobe InDesign to use in self-publishing e-books. I bought the software. I bought the InDesign book. I had a video tutorial. I did NOT swim along!

In contrast, a friend with an auditory learning style says, “Give me a book and I can learn anything.” He hears the words in his mind, and understands.

A student of music whose learning style is auditory would focus on pitch, rhythm, phrasing, articulation, tempo. Another with a more visual learning style might picture rice being spilled on the floor to remember a certain passage. And a kinesthetic learner might touch the instrument and feel the vibrations or compare the music to the sensation of riding a horse at full gallop. 

When I created my first web site many years ago, I bought a package deal, for the consultant to spend a few hours with me setting up the web site and showing me the basics, then to be available a week or so later to answer my questions. He quickly saw how important it was for me to put my fingers on the keyboard and try things out myself. A whole variety of kinesthetic metaphors would fit here. I paced. I tore out my hair. I stumbled. But bit by bit I got the “feel” for it. I nosed my way into it. 

So, if you find yourself confused when trying to learn something new, or frustrated when trying to teach someone something new, preferred ways of learning may not have been addressed. Here's a general way to assess a learning style:

When you..	Visual	Auditory	Kinesthetic & Tactile
Spell	Do you try to see the word?	Do you sound out the word or use a phonetic approach?	Do you write the word down to find if it feels right?
Talk	Do you favor words such as see, picture, and imagine?	Do you use words such as hear, tune, and think?	Do you use words such as feel, touch, and hold?
Concentrate	Do you become distracted by untidiness or movement?	Do you become distracted by sounds or noises?	Do you become distracted by activity around you?
Meet someone again	Do you forget names but remember faces or remember where you met?	Do you forget faces but remember names or remember what you talked about?	Do you remember best what you did together?
Contact people on business	Do you prefer direct, face-to-face, personal meetings?	Do you prefer the telephone?	Do you talk with them while walking or participating in an activity?
Read	Do you like descriptive scenes. imagine the actions?	Do you hear the characters talk?	Do you prefer action stories?
Do something new	Do you like to see demonstrations, diagrams, slides, or posters?	Do you prefer verbal instructions or talking about it with someone else?	Do you prefer to jump right in and try it?

 

Creative Problem Solving

(Based on J.W. Eiseman's "Reconciling 'Incompatible' Positions* and C. Hampden-Turner's Charting the Corporate Mind)

Most conflicts are dealt with by Avoiding, by one party winning (Competing) and the other losing (Accommodating), or by each party giving away something to get something else (Compromising).

However, there is another option -- to reach a creative solution that meets all parties' objectives, generates trust, and gains everyone's support. This level of Collaborating requires letting go of polarized, compartmentalized thinking and opening to perspectives that integrate instead of separate.

Most of us unknowingly operate from a paradigm that includes some sort of resistance as a way to justify what is right or what we desire... and this way of seeking to create one thing by resisting its opposite is what keeps us from fully tapping into an unbridled capacity to create. Debra Wilton-Kinney and Sam House, Polarity Pathways.

The components of creative problem-solving need not be followed in a step-by-step sequence. At times the concepts overlap:

• Clarify terminology: Conflicts can often be resolved merely by discovering that each meant something different from what the other thought.
• Understand the other's frame of reference (seek information in order to create a vision together). Ask about:
  
  • objectives (articulating these often identifies common goals),
  • assumptions (about the relationships among relevant factors),
  • options (perception of available choices),
    
  • methods (beliefs about the steps that must be taken to meet objectives),
  • values (what is important to the other person; e.g., being fair -- these may be implicit),
    
  • predictions (beliefs/concerns about following the suggestions of others): This can be especially powerful because it is disarming -- instead of trying to persuade others why your ideas are "better" you invite them to clarify what they like and don't like about your (or others') suggestions.
• Search for new perspectives: 
  
  • Create a continuum whenever two sets of ideas seem opposing (no matter how "opposite" they seem); e.g., instead of "People do/do not have the right to challenge their boss," ask, "Under what circumstances is that particularly wrong?" "When might it be acceptable?" "What might make you respect someone for doing it?" "Under what circumstances would it be wrong not to?"
  • Increase the number of dimensions: In the process of creating a continuum you will discover underlying dimensions, each of which may also have seemingly incompatible "opposites" (e.g., "When certain results are critical to our success, people should/should not make independent decisions," or "When one person has more experience, the other does/does not have the right to..." etc.) Then create a continuum for each of these dimensions (e.g., How do you define independent? What would you consider critical circumstances? Under what circumstances would experience play a large factor?).
• Be visually and verbally creative--use anything that encourages right-brain thinking (e.g., humor, pictures, metaphors, symbols, analogies); draw/write on a board or flip-chart where everyone can see and build on the ideas being generated.
• Search for integrated solutions:
  • Develop both/and thinking: Notice when you or others are communicating in either/or terms (good/bad, right/wrong, my way/your way, success/failure, etc.), when you are saying "I can't do X because of Y." Ask "How can I do both X and Y?" Make it a group guideline that anyone can point this out; open up your thinking.
  • Connect opposites on a continuum; e.g., if you are arguing whether to focus on the task or focus on the relationship, imagine circumstances where it would be possible to do both at once. How would you go about that?
  • State apparently competing perspectives within an integrating question ("How can we...?"); e.g., if you've been arguing competition vs. cooperation, you might ask, "Given the necessity to compete so that we dominate the market, how can we cooperate in a way that strengthens competition?"
• Verbalize the degree to which agreement is occurring. It should be clear: 
  • why the initial positions were embraced,
  • why the initial positions appeared incompatible,
  • how the current way of thinking reconciles the initial positions.
• Map the two perspectives on vertical and horizontal axes.

*The Journal of Applied Behavioral Science, Vol. 13, No. 3, 303-314 (1977), © 1977 NTL Institute

Focusing

Eugene Gendlin discovered that. . .  successful clients. . . allowed themselves to experience and tolerate feelings that were vague, blurry, and unclear; and they allowed these feelings to unfold in their own time and way. They attended to their inward, bodily-felt world, rather than spinning their mental wheels. Dr. John Amodeo

"Focusing," wrote Dr. Gendlin in his book of the same name, "is a process in which you make contact with a special kind of internal bodily awareness. I call this awareness a felt sense. . . when it comes, it is at first unclear, fuzzy. By certain steps it can come into focus and also change."

The six steps to focusing:

1. Clear a Space - Relax and pay attention in your body; ask yourself: What's going on with me right now?
2. Felt Sense - Select one problem, stand back from it, and let yourself feel a sense of it.
3. Handle - Let a word or phrase or image arise (e.g., heavy); hold it along with the felt sense.
4. Resonate between the felt sense and the word, phrase, or image; let either change, if it does, until it feels just right (e.g., As if I weigh 300 pounds).
5. Ask yourself, What is this sense of weighing 300 pounds (or whatever word, phrase, or image fits for your felt sense)?
6. Receive whatever comes up and notice what happens, even if it's only a slight release.

It doesn't matter whether the body shift comes or not at a given time. It will come on its own as you practice sensing where and how your body holds its concerns.

"If nothing happens, back up and slow down! The most likely difficulty is that you are pushing too hard, expecting too much. See if you can hold the attitude that you are primarily building a trusting relationship with the inner senses in your body. Any information that may come is extra. Be there and be interested." Ann Weiser Cornell, Ph.D., The Power of Focusing: A Practical Guide to Emotional Self-Healing, p. 38.

Whatever You Resist Persists

My client Jack used to have such acute panic attacks while planning for public speeches he'd go to the emergency clinic, convinced he was dying. He learned to stay with his feelings of panic instead of running from them. 

Even though the idea seemed a little crazy to him, every time he started to feel anxious, he'd focus on the specific physical sensations and exaggerate them. To Jack's surprise the symptoms quickly diminished, and he stopped having full-blown panic attacks. 

You may have heard the expression, whatever you resist persists. In contrast, every source of resistance responds positively when you welcome it without judgment. Think utilization. You can use whatever happens—blocks, tasks not done, so-called relapses—to see how your patterns play out and to reframe your thinking in ways that invite change.  

Gail, for example, wanted to lose ten pounds. She said she'd gained weight because she ate fast, often while standing up. She'd been trying to get herself to eat less by pushing to overcome her eating patterns, telling herself to SLOOOW down! That hadn't worked and she was disappointed in herself. 

Looking for a way to go with her stated problem of eating fast, Gail decided to clock her mileage, imagining a gauge where 20 mph is a healthy rate of eating speed, and to do so as a neutral observer, to get to know her eating pattern without self-criticism. After clocking her typical eating rate at 55 mph she agreed to following week to consciously eat at 60 mph, then decrease it by 7 mph, then increase by 3 mph, continuing to experiment with her eating gauge. 

Gail had fun reframing her old pattern of focusing on her failures. To her surprise and great delight, she lost three pounds in two weeks without any conscious effort to diet.

Practice  

1. Think of a change you've wanted but haven't accomplished. 
2. If you've tried to stifle or ignore your resistance, find a way to welcome it.
3. Reframe any self-criticism as an opportunity to learn something about yourself.

From Out of the Box: Self-Coaching Workbook

Lagging on Commitment to Change?

Five Tips to Help You Stay Focused

1. 

   Be an objective observer of yourself. Habits are only patterns of behavior. They're not good or bad. If you were an experienced birdwatcher you'd want to identify particular birds, know about their habitat, plumage, shapes. You would not be looking through binoculars and thinking, "Oh no! Those swallows aren't migrating in a perfect V!" A bird is a bird, a pattern is a pattern. Let go of judging yourself. You need to know a pattern before you can change it.
2. Instead of trying to stop being something you don't want to be (whew! think of all the wasted energy THAT takes), get to know your pattern: How often does it show up? What triggers it? What does it look like? How long does it last? Then what? You'll know you've got it when you can teach someone else exactly how you do it.
3. When the patterned behavior shows up, stay WITH it. Let's say you have a fiery temper and you promised yourself you'd keep it in check. The next time it gets triggered, notice where in your body you feel the anger and exaggerate that physical sensation ("It's like I'm about to fly apart"). Continue exaggerating the physical sensation until you know the label you've given it is an exact fit ("No, it's like my guts are being torn apart by rabid dogs!"). By the way, by this time, your anger's lessened and you don't have to act on it.
4. Once you've gotten a grip on your pattern, do it consciously but with one small change. Humor helps. Gail, for example, ate fast while standing and tried to lose 10 lbs. by telling herself to "SLOOOW down!" That didn't work. When challenged to eat fast consciously but with a small change, she "clocked her mileage," increasing her speed from 55 mph to 65 mph and then back down to 25 mph. To her surprise she lost 3 lbs. in two weeks without any conscious effort to diet.
5. It's quite natural to resist change. Unfortunately, we tend to beat ourselves up when we don't follow through. All that energy you've wasted criticizing yourself just feeds the old pattern. Instead, if you find yourself procrastinating, feeling anxious, losing hope, or being distracted from your goal, recognize these as signs you've challenged a deeply embedded pattern, which means you're on the right path. Go through the first four steps again, and remember: If something you've tried hasn't worked, do something different!

More ideas like these in Out of the Box Self-Coaching Workbook

Are You Trustworthy?

Effective partners in life and high-performance teams work cooperatively, are guided by shared goals, trust each other, give and receive feedback openly, and take risks/assert themselves with each other.

Below are behaviors that build or lessen trust. For each one, ask yourself Am I more likely to . . .

1.  seek new ideas/information  OR  act on my own opinions?
2.  help my partner/team-mates  OR  focus only on my own needs/goals?
3.  listen and play back what I hear  OR  focus on my own ideas/views?
4.  be above-board, direct  OR  be indirect, non-disclosing?
5.  tell the truth  OR  tell partial truths/what I think others want to hear?
6.  say what I'm thinking/feeling  OR  send mixed signals?
7.  accentuate the positive  OR  stress the negative?
8.  remain calm under stress  OR  explode/overreact?
9.  honor my agreements  OR  behave opportunistically?
10.  see people as individuals  OR  categorize/stereotype?
11.  show friendliness, compassion  OR  remain distant, aloof?
12.  give specific, accurate feedback  OR  give evaluative feedback?
13.  encourage/empower others  OR  insult, ridicule, diminish others?

Time to Change?

If you're in a business or personal situation where it's time to change whether you like it or not, you may feel stuck because it all feels so overwhelming. A structure that shows how to fit the pieces together can help.

Cynthia D. Scott and Dennis T. Jaffe's classics, Managing Personal Change and Managing Change at Work, provided practical and clear descriptions of ways to move through a transition. 

Their four-stage model shows our typical progression from denial ("Oh, my God, this can't be happening"), through resistance ("I'm sick," "I can't stand this," "How dare they?"), and exploration ("Hmmm, I'm beginning to see some options"), to commitment ("Let's get moving").

You may be stuck in one phase more than another, and you may go back and forth a bit, but it's especially important to not push toward commitment without recognizing the importance of the middle two stages. Anyone who's gone through a sudden downsizing, divorce, or loss of a loved one knows if you rush it, sooner or later the emotional reactions have to be recognized, allowed, and healed so we can be open to new possibilities. 

Denial: The natural first reaction is to focus on the past, to question why the change needs to take place, to wish "If only I'd done this or that," to avoid thinking about the future and keep plugging along without getting much done. People can get rigid, hunker down, or even freeze. To help yourself move through this phase, let the reality sink in, one step at a time. Gradually seek information about your options, what exactly will be happening, and specific steps you can take to maintain your stability throughout the transition. 

Resistance: It's vital to let your emotions in, recognize any signs of stress such as anger, blame, anxiety, depression, or even losing all interest in your life or work. Find someone who will be encouraging and supportive without hammering you with advice. Write in a journal. Whatever you feel is OK to talk or write about. The purpose here is not to judge or fix anything but rather to acknowledge whatever would otherwise bubble beneath the surface.

Exploration: Once some blocks have been released, new energy will begin to flow. You may still feel a bit overwhelmed, and perhaps you'll find yourself confused or — at the other end of the spectrum — over-preparing, but now you'll begin experimenting with new ways of thinking and operating. Try not to move too quickly to closure. Keep options open, do some brainstorming and visioning, and set short-term goals.

Commitment: You'll know when you're in the new groove, feeling fully engaged with your future, excited about what's unfolding. Fear, anxiety, self-doubt, grief have all been transmuted into energy and growth. Now's the time for longer-term goals, pulling together with your family, group, or work team, and appreciation for the courage and insight you've shown throughout the change.

The Real Deal

Just as actors with a good director can portray a role that's completely believable to the audience, all of us have developed self-images to fulfill the roles expected of us as children, resulting in habitual, patterned behavior.

Although you may not be conscious of exactly how that happened, you were programmed as surely as if someone said, "Act this way and you will be accepted/ loved/ admired/ protected/ supported/ (add your own word)."

Furthermore, we all want to win the Oscar, so we've learned to interact with others in ways that reinforce the patterns and maintain the image.

To find the real you, the first and most basic practice is neutral self-observation. If you were an experienced birdwatcher you would want to identify particular birds, to know about their habitat, habits, plumage, and shapes. You would not be looking through binoculars and thinking, "Oh no! Those swallows aren't migrating in a perfect V."

A bird is a bird; a pattern is a pattern. Engage your curiosity instead of self-criticism.

More in Out of the Box Self-Coaching Workbook.