Betrayal and Forgiveness: The Sacred Wound

Jean Houston, in The Search for The Beloved, said betrayal can be the greatest agent of transformation (The Sacred Wound). Instead of becoming calcified in alienation and non-forgiveness, seeking revenge, denying the value of the relationship, or becoming cynical, Houston encouraged transformation through discovery of the larger story. 

"Looking back on your own betrayals," she wrote, "you may notice how they've given you the necessary shove, the unwelcome but needed kick in the pants to invite you to get on with it, to release patterns and attachments that need to die. The key to redeeming our betrayals is forgiveness." 

 

Below is a modified version of an exercise Houston calls "Betrayal and Forgiveness. The last words are key: "Reflect on what's happened and what you're feeling." This doesn't mean all the pain you've experienced is meaningless, or you "should" behave in a different way, or you "should" let go of your hurt and anger; only that you notice what's happened and stay present to it. When you accept whatever appears, without judgment, you open the possibility of healing your wounds:

As you explore the role of betrayal in your life, remember, betrayal often has consequences not just of pain and suffering, but also of widening the contexts and opportunities in your life.

Close your eyes and walk silently backward through your life from the present to the past, feeling time enter your body through your back. Stop and comment (or write) briefly on the nature of each lesser betrayal.

Continuing and stopping at lesser betrayals, walk backward until you reach a major betrayal. This point is usually very clear because the visceral/emotional response is stronger than with lesser betrayals. It can rise up from any time in your life: from last week, from when you were a child. Be a compassionate witness to yourself as you remember this major betrayal in as much detail as you wish. Then ask yourself, "What were the consequences for good or ill of this betrayal?"

Now see the betrayer in front of you and grant that person forgiveness. Even if you cannot honestly forgive, act as if there's forgiveness. You're not condoning the acts of that person; you're letting go of your attachment to the negative consequences.

Then imagine walking forward again through your life and notice how you forgive the lesser betrayals you encountered before. Speak aloud your willingness to forgive each lesser betrayal. Reflect on what's happened and what you're feeling.