Responding to Criticism and Manipulation Without Defensiveness*

Often other people don't give effective feedback. Even when they're descriptive and helpful, we sometimes feel defensive anyway. In either case, most people think their only options in response are to (1) take it, (2) explain/defend themselves, or (3) fight back. 

There is another option. You can agree to a partial truth, agree to a probability, and/or agree in principle, followed in each case by probing for more information.

For example, if someone says you're not serious enough, you could: 

Agree to a Partial Truth -- "It's true I'm not as serious as some people we know," followed by, "In what way has that been a problem?" Or "Is there something in particular you suggest I change?"

Agree to a Probability -- "Maybe I haven't been serious enough," followed by, "Tell me more" or "What would you like to see me do differently?" 

Agree to a Principle -- "I agree it's important to be serious sometimes," followed by, "What have I done or said that's out of balance?" or "Let's talk about how my being more serious would be helpful here."

It may take a round or two or probing for details and/or moving to a solution before the other person stops making judgmental ("You're not..., you should... you shouldn't") or global statements (what does serious mean to that person in reference to you?). But if you remain non-defensive and show you're open enough to look at yourself honestly, eventually you'll have specific, behavioral feedback. You may or may not choose to act on it, but at least you'll know exactly what the other person is perceiving.

Then you can explain yourself, if necessary, and show your appreciation, if appropriate. Benefits of responding this way:

• Even when the other person is being manipulative and/or passive-aggressive, this will lead to a more direct interchange.
• Your questions will require the other person to be more specific, less judgmental.
• You'll buy some time and lower your defensiveness as you think through which way to respond: Is there some truth to it? Might there be some truth to it? Can I at least agree to an implied principle?
• You may learn something about yourself you need to know.
• The other person will gain respect for you instead of thinking, "Forget it! You can't tell that person anything!" 

*Dr. Manuel Smith calls this technique Fogging (see When I Say No I Feel Guilty and When I Say No I Feel Guilty, Vol. II, for Managers and Executives).

How to Walk in Someone Else's Shoes

John David Hoag describes an NLP technique called Perceptual Positions as a way to "create a very rich sense of another person's experience using only your own memory, imagination, physiology, and very slight shifts in your spatial location."

I've used Perceptual Positions myself and with my clients as a concrete way to increase presence, leave preconceptions behind, and gain in compassion and perspective.

First picture yourself sitting at a table with someone seated across from you. Anchor yourself by seeing through your eyes and hearing through your ears. Use all your senses to imagine every aspect of yourself in relation to this person, what you experience physically, what you think, feel, believe, say.

Second, mentally shift your position so you're in the chair sitting across the table. Anchor yourself there by imagining you see through the other person's eyes, hear through that person's ears. Notice what you experience physically, see, hear, feel, think, believe from this position about the person in the first position. Imagine addressing that person as "you".

Then, shift to a third position in space, slightly above the two people at the table, again anchoring yourself in this neutral observer position by seeing through these eyes, hearing through these ears. Hoag refers to this person as the "friendly visitor from outer space who has just arrived." Use the pronouns "he," "she," or "they" as you notice very descriptive details in the other two beings about whom you have no preconceptions or beliefs.

Hoag also suggests a fourth position is possible, "a synthesis of all the others, a sense of being the whole system. From this position you can see the genesis and effects of all the other positions and their interactions, and notice large patterns which transcend individual identifies, parts, and relationships."

Graphic from Vadim Kotelnikov: 

Is Love All There Is?

According to Dr. Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages, you can open new paths of communication with your significant other by discovering how each of you expresses love and wants to be shown love (some want words of affirmation, others look for quality time, gifts, acts of service, and/or physical touch).

The expression of love and the experience of being loved can also vary a great deal depending upon the personalities in the partnership. 

Consider (tongue-in-cheek) which of the metaphors below is most characteristic of your approach to relationships; then ask your significant other to do the same, and compare your answers (if you'd like to know more about about the Enneagram personality styles that might hold each view, click on that metaphor's link):

1. Love should be examined as if it's a gallery portrait, hunting for flaws in the brush strokes.
2. If grass can grow through cement, then love can find you at any time in life.
3. If love isn't blind, then at least it needs an eye test. 
4. When you're in love, you get a taste of what it feels like to be a bit deranged.
5. Assumptions are the termites of relationships.
6. Love is a fire, but you can never tell whether it's going to warm your heart or burn down your house.
7. Love is more pleasant than marriage for the same reason novels are more amusing than history.
8. Love is like war: easy to start and difficult to stop.
9. True love is like a good pair of socks; it takes two, and they have to match.