Three-Step Self-Coaching Process

A.W.E. Three Steps to Self-Coaching 

From my Self-Coaching Workbook

Awareness of your unique patterns of motivation and behavior. 

If you'd been hypnotized in a nightclub act to do something silly afterward at the hypnotist's command, would you then ask, "Why am I clucking like a chicken?" No. You volunteered to let someone make strong suggestions about your behavior. As a child you were even more suggestible. Read more. . . 


Watching, without judgment, how those patterns operate. 

Instead of backing away from an aspect of yourself you don't like, get to know that troubling part and see what there is to learn. ReLad more. . . 

Experimenting to interrupt patterns and invite transpersonal change. 

When you allow yourself to fully experience your typical reactions, you'll discover a new meaning for the baseball phrase, sweet spot. Read more. . .

 

Let yourself be in AWE!

More in my Self-Coaching Workbook

Using Resistance as a Positive Force for Change

In his chapter on resistance in Flawless Consulting, Peter Block makes the point that people often use the phrase "overcoming resistance," which implies that convincing or persuading people will win them over. This doesn't usually work.

If your point of view wasn't persuasive to begin with, repeating it will probably only make others dig their heels in deeper. They may feel threatened in some way (which to them is legitimate), or trying to maintain what's important to them (which to them is legitimate). They may feel some concern about their credibility, their job security, their sense of autonomy, their competence. They may also see a lack of congruence between the proposed change and some core values.

Someone who defends the status quo can actually be valuable to you. In your zeal for change you may be missing something they represent that could help you avoid problems. And they may represent others who don't support the change but aren't so open about their reluctance -- whatever they're concerned about is an important issue for you to address. Most important, because defenders have the courage and strength to challenge you openly, you want them on your side, and it isn't necessary to fight for what you believe to make that happen.

Think of the futility of standing in a flooding river to stop the flow. When the "flow" of someone's energy is directed against your efforts, trying to convince them to head in a different direction can be equally futile. An effective way to deal with a flooding river is to divert the water using its own energy -- by digging a channel, for example.

In his classic article, "A Positive Approach to Resistance," H.B. Karp suggests surfacing, honoring, and exploring the resistance by making its expression as safe as possible and asking for all of it, at the same time listening, acknowledging, reinforcing the notion that resistance is permissible, even valuable, and probing for alternatives. 

Karp's article reminds us "the objective is not to eliminate all resistance," but instead to "work with and reduce needless resistance" and, once the conversation is workable, to "thank the resister and move on. It is important not to try to persuade the resister to like the demand. It is enough that the resister is willing to agree to it."

For more ideas, go to my blog post, Moving From Problems to Solutions.

Responding to Criticism and Manipulation Without Defensiveness*

Often other people don't give effective feedback. Even when they're descriptive and helpful, we sometimes feel defensive anyway. In either case, most people think their only options in response are to (1) take it, (2) explain/defend themselves, or (3) fight back. 

There is another option. You can agree to a partial truth, agree to a probability, and/or agree in principle, followed in each case by probing for more information.

For example, if someone says you're not serious enough, you could: 

Agree to a Partial Truth -- "It's true I'm not as serious as some people we know," followed by, "In what way has that been a problem?" Or "Is there something in particular you suggest I change?"

Agree to a Probability -- "Maybe I haven't been serious enough," followed by, "Tell me more" or "What would you like to see me do differently?" 

Agree to a Principle -- "I agree it's important to be serious sometimes," followed by, "What have I done or said that's out of balance?" or "Let's talk about how my being more serious would be helpful here."

It may take a round or two or probing for details and/or moving to a solution before the other person stops making judgmental ("You're not..., you should... you shouldn't") or global statements (what does serious mean to that person in reference to you?). But if you remain non-defensive and show you're open enough to look at yourself honestly, eventually you'll have specific, behavioral feedback. You may or may not choose to act on it, but at least you'll know exactly what the other person is perceiving.

Then you can explain yourself, if necessary, and show your appreciation, if appropriate. Benefits of responding this way:

• Even when the other person is being manipulative and/or passive-aggressive, this will lead to a more direct interchange.
• Your questions will require the other person to be more specific, less judgmental.
• You'll buy some time and lower your defensiveness as you think through which way to respond: Is there some truth to it? Might there be some truth to it? Can I at least agree to an implied principle?
• You may learn something about yourself you need to know.
• The other person will gain respect for you instead of thinking, "Forget it! You can't tell that person anything!" 

*Dr. Manuel Smith calls this technique Fogging (see When I Say No I Feel Guilty and When I Say No I Feel Guilty, Vol. II, for Managers and Executives).

Lagging on Commitment to Change?

Five Tips to Help You Stay Focused

1. 

   Be an objective observer of yourself. Habits are only patterns of behavior. They're not good or bad. If you were an experienced birdwatcher you'd want to identify particular birds, know about their habitat, plumage, shapes. You would not be looking through binoculars and thinking, "Oh no! Those swallows aren't migrating in a perfect V!" A bird is a bird, a pattern is a pattern. Let go of judging yourself. You need to know a pattern before you can change it.
2. Instead of trying to stop being something you don't want to be (whew! think of all the wasted energy THAT takes), get to know your pattern: How often does it show up? What triggers it? What does it look like? How long does it last? Then what? You'll know you've got it when you can teach someone else exactly how you do it.
3. When the patterned behavior shows up, stay WITH it. Let's say you have a fiery temper and you promised yourself you'd keep it in check. The next time it gets triggered, notice where in your body you feel the anger and exaggerate that physical sensation ("It's like I'm about to fly apart"). Continue exaggerating the physical sensation until you know the label you've given it is an exact fit ("No, it's like my guts are being torn apart by rabid dogs!"). By the way, by this time, your anger's lessened and you don't have to act on it.
4. Once you've gotten a grip on your pattern, do it consciously but with one small change. Humor helps. Gail, for example, ate fast while standing and tried to lose 10 lbs. by telling herself to "SLOOOW down!" That didn't work. When challenged to eat fast consciously but with a small change, she "clocked her mileage," increasing her speed from 55 mph to 65 mph and then back down to 25 mph. To her surprise she lost 3 lbs. in two weeks without any conscious effort to diet.
5. It's quite natural to resist change. Unfortunately, we tend to beat ourselves up when we don't follow through. All that energy you've wasted criticizing yourself just feeds the old pattern. Instead, if you find yourself procrastinating, feeling anxious, losing hope, or being distracted from your goal, recognize these as signs you've challenged a deeply embedded pattern, which means you're on the right path. Go through the first four steps again, and remember: If something you've tried hasn't worked, do something different!

More ideas like these in Out of the Box Self-Coaching Workbook

Are You Trustworthy?

Effective partners in life and high-performance teams work cooperatively, are guided by shared goals, trust each other, give and receive feedback openly, and take risks/assert themselves with each other.

Below are behaviors that build or lessen trust. For each one, ask yourself Am I more likely to . . .

1.  seek new ideas/information  OR  act on my own opinions?
2.  help my partner/team-mates  OR  focus only on my own needs/goals?
3.  listen and play back what I hear  OR  focus on my own ideas/views?
4.  be above-board, direct  OR  be indirect, non-disclosing?
5.  tell the truth  OR  tell partial truths/what I think others want to hear?
6.  say what I'm thinking/feeling  OR  send mixed signals?
7.  accentuate the positive  OR  stress the negative?
8.  remain calm under stress  OR  explode/overreact?
9.  honor my agreements  OR  behave opportunistically?
10.  see people as individuals  OR  categorize/stereotype?
11.  show friendliness, compassion  OR  remain distant, aloof?
12.  give specific, accurate feedback  OR  give evaluative feedback?
13.  encourage/empower others  OR  insult, ridicule, diminish others?

Time to Change?

If you're in a business or personal situation where it's time to change whether you like it or not, you may feel stuck because it all feels so overwhelming. A structure that shows how to fit the pieces together can help.

Cynthia D. Scott and Dennis T. Jaffe's classics, Managing Personal Change and Managing Change at Work, provided practical and clear descriptions of ways to move through a transition. 

Their four-stage model shows our typical progression from denial ("Oh, my God, this can't be happening"), through resistance ("I'm sick," "I can't stand this," "How dare they?"), and exploration ("Hmmm, I'm beginning to see some options"), to commitment ("Let's get moving").

You may be stuck in one phase more than another, and you may go back and forth a bit, but it's especially important to not push toward commitment without recognizing the importance of the middle two stages. Anyone who's gone through a sudden downsizing, divorce, or loss of a loved one knows if you rush it, sooner or later the emotional reactions have to be recognized, allowed, and healed so we can be open to new possibilities. 

Denial: The natural first reaction is to focus on the past, to question why the change needs to take place, to wish "If only I'd done this or that," to avoid thinking about the future and keep plugging along without getting much done. People can get rigid, hunker down, or even freeze. To help yourself move through this phase, let the reality sink in, one step at a time. Gradually seek information about your options, what exactly will be happening, and specific steps you can take to maintain your stability throughout the transition. 

Resistance: It's vital to let your emotions in, recognize any signs of stress such as anger, blame, anxiety, depression, or even losing all interest in your life or work. Find someone who will be encouraging and supportive without hammering you with advice. Write in a journal. Whatever you feel is OK to talk or write about. The purpose here is not to judge or fix anything but rather to acknowledge whatever would otherwise bubble beneath the surface.

Exploration: Once some blocks have been released, new energy will begin to flow. You may still feel a bit overwhelmed, and perhaps you'll find yourself confused or — at the other end of the spectrum — over-preparing, but now you'll begin experimenting with new ways of thinking and operating. Try not to move too quickly to closure. Keep options open, do some brainstorming and visioning, and set short-term goals.

Commitment: You'll know when you're in the new groove, feeling fully engaged with your future, excited about what's unfolding. Fear, anxiety, self-doubt, grief have all been transmuted into energy and growth. Now's the time for longer-term goals, pulling together with your family, group, or work team, and appreciation for the courage and insight you've shown throughout the change.

Active Imagination

Carl Jung, in Memories, Dreams, and Reflections, described how therapeutic it could be to translate his own emotions into images (a process now referred to by Jungian therapists as active imagination). He described being visited by a "friend of Gandhi's... a highly cultivated elderly Indian whose guru was a 'commentator on the Vedas who died centuries ago.'"

Jung was a bit embarrassed to talk about this, remarking on the irony that a psychiatrist should discover within himself "the same psychic material which is the stuff of psychosis." He was relieved to realize he'd only experienced "the sort of thing that could happen to others who make similar efforts." 

We all talk to ourselves, but we sometimes do that as part of a negative cycle of worry, blame, or guilt. Active imagination personifies the "parts" of us that are talking – to create more clarity or even resolution that might not be possible with ordinary linear problem-solving.  

Anything could stimulate active imagination. You might be seeking clarity on a key decision, or puzzled by an emotional reaction you've had to someone, or curious about a dream you've had. Here's how one of my clients used active imagination to help resolve her performance anxiety.

Sue had always loved giving pep talks to her own team, so when she was promoted to Vice President, she was surprised to find herself "freezing" when required to give formal presentations in the corporate Board Room.

While agonizing over this, she had a dream in which her aging mother wanted to die and asked Sue to kill her. Sue imagined herself talking to the mother in her dream and wrote down the conversation below. This dialogue is fascinating because it shows the creativity of active imagination – it can move in any direction if you just let yourself go:

Sue to Dream Mother: "Why are you here? What role are you playing in this dream?"

Mother: "Think of the pampas grass in your yard and how you're attracted to it, the way it grows luxurious, seductive, how it feathers itself for attention, how it says, 'Look at me! Look at me!'"

Sue: "I know I want to be heard, I want to make a good impression. But why are you showing up in my dream?"

Mother: "I'm the mother in you who tells you your wishes and what you have to say are unimportant. Everyone loves me because I'm nice, because I hide my critical nature, because I'm not aggressive, because I have no voice."

Sue: "Why are you asking me to kill you?"

Mother: "It's time for you to 'kill' your fear of speaking out, your urge to be 'nice' at the expense of your own wishes and ideas. Meditate on loving what's within, discover your voice is already there, you speak from it every day of your life. Speak to the part of you who doesn't yet see that."

Sue: "It's hard to find that part, to give form to how hard it is to speak out. I picture a murky cloud."

Cloud: "I'm murky because the sun feels blinding. I'm not sure if I can stand the excitement. I've covered the sun so long I've lowered my tolerance for energy, for light, for seeing things clearly, and for saying things clearly.

Sue: "So, how can I move past that?"

Cloud: "Picture yourself in the space where you're anxious. Imagine the light is set low on a dimmer. Slowly turn the dimmer up until your eyes get used to the bright light."

This internal dialogue helped Sue better understand the nature of her anxiety. She also used the visualization as she prepared her next Board Room presentation. She was delighted (and a little surprised) that her anxiety dimmed as she allowed herself to shine.

Teamwork: An Individual Skill

For all of you who have had your fill of touchy-feely exercises and teambuilding retreats... Teamwork does not depend on group "bonding" or on some group facilitator's magic art. [It's] based on individual skills and attitudes (review by Terry O'Keefe of Avery, Walker and O'Toole's Teamwork is an Individual Skill).

There are four individual skill areas covered in Teamwork is an Individual Skill: 

1. shared focus (insuring that proposals work for each team member), 
2. individual commitment (matching personal motivations so each is fully invested), 
3. shared agreements (including honest but fair feedback), and 
4. harnessing differences (diverse opinions lead to breakthrough thinking) 

These individual skills can be richly enhanced by recognizing and valuing different personality styles. I use both the MBTI and the Enneagram with my clients, as demonstrated in the excerpts below from one of my articles in Enneagram Applications. 

“We’re going to be executing some major changes in the next few months,” said Dick Malone over the phone, “and there may be some psychological effect on the people here. Our whole organization is undergoing restructuring and there will be an announcement of my reassignment around the time of the team session, but I’d still like to go forward with it. Can we learn about the Enneagram and help prepare for these changes?"

This group had several clusters of personality styles – four  Enneagram Sixes, three Nines (including Dick), two Sevens – as well as a One and a Two. On the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) all but three were Extraverts. Almost half had a Feeling preference. They attributed their cluster of MBTI preferences and Enneagram styles to the fact that they had a consulting role to other operating functions in the corporation. Most of them had a collaborative/democratic style and a group orientation that served them well in their jobs. The two Sevens were visionaries. The One (Two wing) and Two (One wing) both wanted to help their internal customers solve their problems.

The theme for this group was "transitions." We started by looking at their own experience with change and wove observations of their personality strengths and needs into understanding each other better. We talked about the potential impact of their styles on the upcoming changes in the organization, including what kind of support they'd need from each other during the upcoming period of change. The team member who was a Two described the support he needed as asking that those who worked for him "come to me if they have concerns." He was the only member of the group who was unable to identify a need of his own! He and the others discussed how his helping behavior played out in the group, and he received some useful feedback about how he helped to create this pattern.

Whether you're part of a family, a work group, or a community organization, conversations about the diversity of personalities in the team can make a huge difference in the group's well-being, effectiveness, and impact.

You Might As Well Be In Ittoqqortoormiit

If I could pass on one message from my long life, it's this:

NOT EVERYONE IS LIKE YOU!

 
You like lemons? You eat lemons all day long? Go for it! But please do not assume lemons are the only fruit worth eating, and--especially--don't assume the rest of us SHOULD eat only lemons.

We live in a diverse world and we have access to the most remote locations on earth--want to go to Tristan da Cunha? Mutuo? Oymyakon? Kerguelen Islands? Ittoqqortoormiit? Just Google it.

While there, you surely won't expect everyone there to look like you, talk like you, eat the same foods you do, have the same interests, dreams, perspectives, or behaviors you do. Well, bring that same perspective home:

Every place you go, every group you join, 

every team you're on at work or play,

every family gathering,

you might as well be in Ittoqqortoormiit
(pronounced "It-oh-kwa-kwaor-tow-mEEt")!

Which also means that your way of doing things is not necessarily the best way in a given situation, and certainly not the only way. EVER!

There are countless personality models, organized descriptions of human characteristics--cognitions, emotions, motivations, behaviors, self-perceptions, values, attitudes--that describe the differences among us. I happen to prefer the Enneagram. You may find the MBTI more useful, or Tilt365, The Leadership Circle, The Big Five or one of many others.

But please, please, in your everyday interactions, keep in mind the implications of acknowledging our differences, as described by "Allison" in my book with C.J. Fitzsimons  (Somebody? Nobody? The Enneagram, Mindfulness and Life's Unfolding, p. 5):

"I'd assumed everybody thought the way I did and was aware of right and wrong, that people couldn't be good if they didn't do what was clearly right. It never occurred to me that others might have a different focus of attention than I do. That opened up the question, If I could be so mistaken about the way the world is, could I not be mistaken about a great many other things?