If someone you're trying to give feedback seems defensive in response, take a look at how you're framing your words. Are you using general and blaming terminology? ("You never initiate a conversation about our relationship." "You come across as arrogant." "You've been disrespectful to me.")
It's a natural human response to defend ourselves against feeling we've been wrong or bad. If you really want someone to change, it's vital to frame your comments in a way that bypasses those defenses. The other person needs to be able to take in what you're saying and consider whether they want to change and know how to change.
If someone asks, "Why didn't people warm up to me at the dinner party last night?" saying "Well, you came across as arrogant" will be difficult to hear and accept as true. Even if they can accept it, they might change some behavior that's entirely different from what you meant to point out. What behavior, exactly, seemed "arrogant" to you?
Effective feedback is specific, descriptive, nonjudgmental. It communicates whether or not someone's behavior is "on target" in relation to a shared goal. While the examples below are from work situations, the elements of effective feedback apply equally well in personal relationships:
Instead of judging someone as wrong -- using words like should, always, never, don't -- describe what you've observed.
Judgmental: "You're still not delegating enough."
Descriptive: "We talked about your delegating more to Larry and Helen, yet you're still putting in overtime. Tell me how things are going with them."
Instead of a general comment that's open to interpretation, be specific.
General: "You're not a team player."
Specific: "At the quarterly team meeting last week you noted how you improved profitability but didn't mention the work we put in behind the scenes."
Instead of criticizing the whole person, direct your feedback toward behavior that can be changed.
Personal: "You're a buffoon!"
Behavioral: "Your introduction today took 30 minutes. Your stories were funny, but we were pressed for time, and after about 15 minutes I quit listening because I was anxious to get started."
The simple formula? Describe specific behavior.
Often other people don't give effective feedback. Even when they're descriptive and helpful, we sometimes feel defensive anyway. In either case, most people think their only options in response are to (1) take it, (2) explain/defend themselves, or (3) fight back.
There is another option. You can agree to a partial truth, agree to a probability, and/or agree in principle, followed in each case by probing for more information.
For example, if someone says you're not serious enough, you could:
Agree to a Partial Truth -- "It's true I'm not as serious as some people we know," followed by, "In what way has that been a problem?" Or "Is there something in particular you suggest I change?"
Agree to a Probability -- "Maybe I haven't been serious enough," followed by, "Tell me more" or "What would you like to see me do differently?"
Agree to a Principle -- "I agree it's important to be serious sometimes," followed by, "What have I done or said that's out of balance?" or "Let's talk about how my being more serious would be helpful here."
It may take a round or two or probing for details and/or moving to a solution before the other person stops making judgmental ("You're not..., you should... you shouldn't") or global statements (what does serious mean to that person in reference to you?). But if you remain non-defensive and show you're open enough to look at yourself honestly, eventually you'll have specific, behavioral feedback. You may or may not choose to act on it, but at least you'll know exactly what the other person is perceiving.
Then you can explain yourself, if necessary, and show your appreciation, if appropriate. Benefits of responding this way:
- Even when the other person is being manipulative and/or passive-aggressive, this will lead to a more direct interchange.
- Your questions will require the other person to be more specific, less judgmental.
- You'll buy some time and lower your defensiveness as you think through which way to respond: Is there some truth to it? Might there be some truth to it? Can I at least agree to an implied principle?
- You may learn something about yourself you need to know.
- The other person will gain respect for you instead of thinking, "Forget it! You can't tell that person anything!"
*Dr. Manuel Smith calls this technique Fogging (see When I Say No I Feel Guilty and When I Say No I Feel Guilty, Vol. II, for Managers and Executives).
